Sunday, February 27, 2005

The figurative octopus

There is an attachment to each of my tentacles, and where once I took great pleasure and pride in being able to keep my head above water despite the considerable weight, I find myself now cutting them lose one by one. I don't care to lose all. Some will bring me pleasure 'til the end of my days, and these I pray, will keep holding too. Their weight does not compare to their considerable worth.
Perhaps I over-analyze and place too great an importance on the drag factor. Some things go without saying, and if I do have to speak out loud, I'd rather cut my losses. I suppose in one way its unfair, as occasionally they are left clueless, but as it wouldn't take more than half a step to my side, I feel it isn't too much to ask of their own analytical skills.
Life would be easier, if we could all live peacefully on our own little islands. What you do on yours does not affect the status of mine and vice versa. At least past childhood. Until then, our children and we present a united front, for good or bad.
People are often too apologetic. Too eager to apease the masses. To each their own, but in such cases, it should never be interchangable. Group your islands, but make sure common ground is found and preserved. A slip can cause hurt to those, who were under the impression, others were independent. Its not that I do not understand. I do, believe it or not.
Its just, to give and then to snatch back is unacceptable. Its not something I would do, and so cannot tolerate it in others. I have yin and yang, but thread lightly regardless. Euphoria must come easy to those who do not worry about their footprints and equally to those who seldom look back. I'd rather live without it than to take it at the expence of others.
We live and learn.

Food for the marigold ego

Its 3.30 in the morning, my life is not my own and I cannot sleep. I fell asleep for an hour, had 2 or 3 vivid, crazy dreams and awoke bathed in sweat.
Claustrophobia surrounds. My limbs are cramped. My breath boxed.
My mind gives no peace even as my body rests.
Too many decisions to be made whilst unknowing of what they will entail.
Too little time to truly call my own. Closing the door becomes impossible. Pavarotti is unreachable. My waves are momentarily lost.
One of my dreams was about my ex. I hate it, when I dream of him. I awake angry and restless. Not because the dreams were bad, but because they were good.
My lids are heavy and sleep feels near, though experience advises its pointless to adhere.
I feel it all ties to my immediate future and the panic I have felt, at the unknown quantity approaching forcefully.
It occured to me, that whatever is coming could be good. It needn't be bad.
All of a sudden, everyone around me is telling me, its time to find a life partner. As if, one can make a conscious decision about that sort of thing. It has become everyone's favourite subject. Its very twillight zone, as though they all got together unbeknownst to me, and decided to start pushing me in that direction with words of so-dubbed encouragement. I wonder, what has changed, and come up with the only explanation that makes any sense. Suddenly, to them, I am too old to be single.
You've seen my list. Not all of it is a prerequisite, but admittedly a large part is. I'm also smart enough to know that love is not our choice.
My ego is healthy, because I personally cured it and religiously feed it each and every day. No apologies will pass my lips. I can get any man I want, problem is I don't want to permanently keep any of the men I meet. I'm in no hurry to find that what is, that what I supposedly should be actively seeking. My standards are not too high, as some may believe. I know what I want, thanks to having learnt my lessons brutally and at great speed. The would-be lover behind me in the line probably took a lot longer to realise it so be.
We all need the lessons, even the blessed, just to be able to appreciate. Without this, they chance throwing it all away on a whim. Searching for something that when found is worthless.
I could be less defensive, if others were less reliant. I am my very own fire-breathing dragon.
Born again on each and every day of the last 6,5 years.
But even rebirth becomes monotonous and I am beginning to get restless.
Marigolds around my navel, flowers and light and life in a circle around the very essence of birth. Its gonna be alright.
I'll be fine. I'm me.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Hold on - I'm coming

Psych. majors will argue, its the safest option for the once bitten twice shy. The last couple of crushes I have had, have been directed towards men, who are homosexual. Personally, I think it was little more than green eyes, contageous smiles and rotten luck. It has made me wonder though, whether on some level, it was delibarate. After all, I haven't had any trouble making beelines for straight guys only thus far.
From worry to acceptance to complacence has come my lookout. I don't like to lose odds by insisting, I shall never meet love. The safer bet was to throw myself into acceptance, except it seems I fell too far and landed on complacence. No longer caring much.
My theory is timing.
I'm not there yet. I'm not ready.
I need another year or two of just me.
When I am the place where future passes past, I'm sure, I will not be unknowing.
Until I'll play my odds on the safest option.
Smile at me gaily, and I'll feel frissions of secret pleasure.
I like it like that.

Chaplin

We believe what we know over what we see.
I recently read the following and found it exceedingly humorous, on more than one level.

Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competion.

He came third.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Run like the wind

Whatever the reason, I feel fearful. It has nothing to do with the many different aspects of my life, but something less tangiable.
I feel as though I am at the edge of a great gaping valley perched upon the edge of a cliff. There is something approaching on the horison, and that something is to be feared. I have no hope of guessing what it is, no hope too of being able to halt it. Its out of my control, and all I can do is watch as events unfold and hope I will not fall as far as to break.
Whatever it is, it will cause pain and will probably take the form of loss. But just what can I stand to lose. With every challenge arises the ability to cope. Learning from our teachings. To know its all part and parcel, and its no use wishing things were different. Good and bad are two sides of the same coin, and whoever tosses it, knows not how it will land.
I can stand anything, except being of haunted mind. My heart beats the rapid tap of unknown fear. I am not privy, thus fear could be taking time not designated. Who am I to say, then again why do I insist on saying it. Superstition takes hold through belief, perhaps unkind fate does also. Alas, I did not know it, when it touched me before.
My fear is pointless. It changes nothing.
Hold onto hope and run like the wind for dear life. All we can do is try to stay ahead and not be too broken when caught up. We cannot change what is, nor will be.

Without why

What is coincidence? Its certainly a concept that brings forth emotion, be it joy, humour or fear. The definition listed in The Oxford Dictionary: a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent casual connection.
Psychic powers, fate, chance and coincidence could all be one and the same. I have always loved the concept of deja vu. It related to Hamlet and his assurances that there is more between heaven and earth than we are aware of. Some questions have no discernable answer. Deja vu spoke to me of truth in the face of unknown. I should have known there would be a down-to-earth, factual, logical explaniation for what I considered a phenomenon, as the knowledge has been with me for many years that the mind is the ultimate trickster. A continual run of coincidence instills in us a need to make sense of it, and so we place faith in phychic ability and an omniscient presence directing us in predetermined direction. It may just be wishful thinking. Afterall, most of what convinces us is trivial. What do we really know for sure? And what, if anything, do we really need to know. Its like an itch deep inside the mind, that one has no hope of ever being able to reach. What I do not know is, whether I should keep trying. Whether it all isn't just a waste of mind, and if it is, whether or not I have any choice in the matter. Is ignorance bliss in this case, or is bliss the very action of trying to connect the dots. Instead of asking whether, we may need to weather. The pleasure in a journey isn't always the destination. We have not been assured that our labour will result, and can therefore not expect it. The answers may always be elusive. The sadness in that is ever-present, though perhaps neither justified nor warranted. Beside the point. Likely we should be pointing to the journey. What then becomes of the disappointment, the blind-fold and and ear-plugs, the total desolation of the senses, knowing nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing and learning nothing. Is it enough because it is, or is it enough because it has to be. Either way, we would be even more lost. Joy is revelation, and we content ourselves with faith that revelation will present itself one fine day. Without why we may as well die.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

From one extreme to the other

Amongst the good things in life, travel is high up the list. I've just spent 10 days in London, getting my dose of the grey and grime that brings nostalgic happiness. Its in the blood. Home need not be pretty, and certainly certain aspects of London are far from. But the feeling, especially when cruising around with radio playing, is nothing less than divinity. The heart grows fonder through absence, thus the city and friends and family are pure pleasure.
I turned 30, whilst there.
It was just another day.
The last weeks, I have been looking forward to it. I wasted 3 years or so, repeating the words in fear and reproach; "I'll be 30 soon!" I've known and anticipated it for so long, it was like finally welcoming an old friend home. Greeted with familiarity, affection, haste and harmony.
Pink is the new black, and 30 is the new 21.
Perhaps its because of my appreciation of the things I have rather than focusing on what I haven't, that I have moments of unaldultarated bliss sometimes for no particular reason. As I sit here, I feel happy. Not content, but there is joy in my soul. Problems loom at the edge of my circle and do penetrate, but its ok. Life is one step at a time, and its all good, once one realizes that.
I cried twice on my birthday. Outside influences made me sad for a few moments - merely coinciding with the date, not the reason there for. Doubts about myself were a big character flaw for too long and do touch surface when challenged for a time. My memory, otherwise excedingly good, is fond of playing tricks when face-to-face with unpleasantries. Accusations are combated with an large element of trust in who I am. I spent an entire night in August figuratively cutting a family member out of my heart. I had no choice. Every emotional reason to keep her there, but none that made a blind bit of sense. Life became good, when I learned it was too short to waste on things and people that were not worth time. It was also about realizing one can not be responsible for all, no matter how much one would like to put ones arms around the world. Doubt can be very hard to deal with. After all, I am well aware, I am not pure goodness. "Could I have done better?" can be a debilitating question as what's done is done and hindsight is much clearer than foresight.
Really, I should not be surprised or hurt by others believing the person they are closest to over me. It is the people closest to us that are often the most unclear and undiscernable. Emotional factors blur ones vision. I just pray my friend in heaven knows my heart. I pray also that my female relative may find her way anyhow, and that my part in helping her in this search was overrated. That I am not the one meant to show her, as now I have relinquished and been relinquished of that role.
I make mistakes sometimes, and I wish I were more forgiving.
I am sure, I did everything right. But I could be mistaken. But I do not think so and hope no. And if I did, I didn't know it at the time, nor do I know it now.
I think, she knows exactly what she is doing and is in her element. If so, I pity her. Actions have consequences, and hers will only effect herself. Once removed, we may never get us back. We both lose the benefits, and perhaps I am placing too much emphasis on the importance of I, but I do believe, she loses much more than I ever will. Since she has lost my discernable love, but I gained only time.
My heavenly friend, I hope my reaction was not overaction, and that my bias lay pure and good in her favour.
My conscience lies with you, not with her.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Righteous

Its true how one lie can create a knock-on effect and evolve into a sticky web of untruth. Righteousness is a fabulously self-satisfying emotion to feel, and it flods me in waves when I catch someone out. Like a mouse toying with a cat, I cannot help but present openers, opportunities to come clean, just to see how far they will travel down this particular road. Sometimes they do not ever realize and being of small mind:-), this can present me intense amusement for days and sometimes weeks to come, whenever I see them or think of them. There is seldom good reason to tell a lie, and most are told to make that person look better in the others eyes. Perhaps their actions have been less than desirable, and so they create a more flattering scenario regarding their own role in the event. Like distaster, accidents and death, these things are seldom solitary, and it seems at the moment as if half the people I know are trying to spin me a yarn. Me=searcher of truth, and so honesty always, at all costs. How I bask in the light of righteousness, but before I am judged, it is they, not I, who placed me there.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Turn a different corner

One moment is all it takes to completely alter the course of a life, and that is an infinitely scary concept. As I stand at the threshold of yet another era, its hard to know which route may take me along the path that is best. Fate can play a HUGE role, but what happens if we for whatever reasons take a wrong turn. Can our fate pass us by like the face of a stranger. Let what should have been simply ours be lost without rhyme or reason. If life wasn't a race against time, it would not matter as much, but it is. We haven't the luxury of sufficient time to comfortably lose days let alone years, but we do. Who would want to come to the end of their's and realize its been squandered at worst and at best misused. I used to rely a great deal on instinct, but since she and I had a run-in, I have lost some of my faith in her abilities. So what is left. Solely logic, without a hint of feeling. Wouldn't that be placing to much responsibility on the unknown. How can we decide what is best other than by trial and error. Simply to hope for the best. The only problem with tossing the proverbial coin is that there is a 50/50 chance that it will land on tails each and everytime. So, is it everything a question of luck. Life holds no promises and perhaps karma is mere fiction. Are we rewarded for good behaviour anywhere other than in jail.
Comforting is the proverb (loosely quoted) "Shine a light on others and its glow will fall back on you.", but we are not promised a thing, when we are given to the world, and therefore have no right to expect anything as we travel through it. But who am I to contradict human nature. Besides to live is to dream, and thus the result of not dreaming becomes self-explanatory.
Perhaps, it is all a poker game. Playing the game with the cards one is dealt. One or two chances come along, but in the end, it is almost all just a matter of blind luck. Just as high as one can fly one minute, the next one is lost and left with nothing but a name. Ones position at the table could thereby be all important - being at the right place at the right time.
Everytime we turn a different corner, opportunities are lost. Everytime we turn a different corner, opportunities are given. Life's a circle, a constant circle, and there are 360 different directions to go in at any given time.
Sometimes choice feels like the lash of a whip.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

My list - random order

Always have I had in my mind a list of places to see and things to do. Here begins the process of getting them all down in writing.

  1. To design and have built the perfect home
  2. Take a still life drawing course
  3. Visit Graceland
  4. Water ski
  5. Publish the biography I am writing
  6. Spend New Years in Time Square
  7. Take singing lessons.
  8. Have a cartoon portrait made of myself
  9. Learn to in-line
  10. Holiday in Positano
  11. Achieve success
  12. Visit Tirrutani temple
  13. Take photograpy lessons
  14. Find my soulmate
  15. Have an Orgasm (the drinking kind)
  16. Take a sculpture class
  17. Learn to sail
  18. Travel the length and breath of South America
  19. Climb Sydney Bridge
  20. Deal with the past
  21. Congratulate Bob Geldof for being Bob Geldof
  22. Take a pottery class
  23. Own the Ikea picture of a tree :-)
  24. Partake in Rio's carnival
  25. Travel the length and Breath of New Zealand
  26. Ride the ultimate rollercoaster
  27. Take dance classes
  28. Watch the sun rise on a picturesque beach
  29. Shop for a stetson in Montana
  30. Have sex on a secluded beach
  31. Run the London marathon
  32. Acheive peace of mind
  33. Visit the Musee de Louvre
  34. Mardi Gras in New Orleans
  35. Ride the Millennium wheel
  36. Experience Africa
  37. Have more children
  38. Get back items stolen
  39. Photograph the Taj Mahal
  40. Watch leaping salmon in Scotland
  41. Learn to play the piano
  42. Bestow the gift of security to all I love
  43. Visit Jasper National Park, Canada
  44. Buy back my grandparents shop
  45. Cruise around Italy in a convertable
  46. To always have the love, respect and admiration of my daughter
  47. Paint a 5m by 3m abstract
  48. Feel contented with charital efforts
  49. Take a walk on the Great Wall of China
  50. Reunite with my two best friends from year 8 and 9
  51. Take a cable car to the summit of Table Mountain, Cape Town
  52. Find home
  53. Complete an assault course in a respectible time frame
  54. Trek through rainforrest in Peru
  55. Have a well-stocked library in my home
  56. Learn to sommersault
  57. Visit the Luray Caverns, Virginia
  58. Have a suprise birthday party thrown for me
  59. Give up my bad habits
  60. Holiday at Cape Breton Island, Canada
  61. Go whale watching
  62. When old have a face that tells a happy story
  63. Visit the Grand Canyon
  64. Recieve apologies due or not care if I never do
  65. Have the greatest golden labrador and name him Sam
  66. See as much as possible of the Place des Arts, Montreal
  67. Stand naked whilst the heavens open
  68. Be on the best seller list
  69. Visit a lighthouse
  70. Have a hammock on my porch
  71. Give birth naturally (ceasarian section so far)
  72. See the great waterfalls of South America
  73. Scuba dive in coral reefs
  74. Attend fashion week
  75. See Guadi's Sagrada Familia, Barcelona
  76. Learn something new each day
  77. Make sure I only have regrets about what I have done, and not what I haven't done
  78. Obtain the ability to finance spontaneity
  79. See a show by the Sydney Dance Company
  80. Have a romantic dinner overlooking Lima by night
  81. Never waste a day
  82. See Red Square, Moscow
  83. White water rafting
  84. Spend a weekend at the Ice Hotel
  85. Stay at a mountain cabin in the dead of winter, cosy open fire nights roasting marshmellows and dipping them in hot chocolate
  86. Have a ring of marigolds tattoo around my navel
  87. and Winnie the Pooh and his honey pot on my inner thigh
  88. Visit the top of the Eiffel tower
  89. Cocktails at Tower 42
  90. Reggae club in Jamaica
  91. Learn to play the saxaphone
  92. Leopoldskron Palace, Saltzburg
  93. Swim with dolphins
  94. Partake in a traditional greek dance
  95. Ride in a helicopter
  96. Holiday in the Seychelles
  97. See the statue Christ the Redeemer
  98. Fly fishing
  99. Meet Billy Connorly
  100. See all the famous operas
  101. Windsurfing
  102. Have a washboard stomach
  103. Take a self-defence class
  104. Complete my geneaology research
  105. Spend a week totally isolated in gorgeous surroundings, eg private island
  106. Spend 2-4 weeks at a health spa having every treatment available
  107. Play beach volley
  108. Learn Italien
  109. Have David Blaine perform a trick on me
  110. Have a complete set of coloured contact lenses
  111. ......