Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Fingers crossed for lady luck

Is there a more wonderous amongst the simple pleasures of life than to travel to pastures new? Well, yes, but I get to do them more often.
Travelling is essential to my well-being. Once in a while, I need to feed my soul with the sights and sounds of somewhere new. To lose myself quite literally in unfamiliar territory, until it is time to go home.
It looks like Murphy decided to cut me some slack in the end, and with a little visit from lady luck things should be sorted by the time, I am due to fly out tomorrow afternoon. For the first time, I shall miss something about home as I head out on a new adventure, namely not having the blogesphere at my fingertips, whenever I feel like taking a peek. Firstly to read and secondly to write. Visits here will be further and fewer between for the next two months as I (fingers crossed) fly off to first London for a few days of summer gear shopping, then on to Singapore and finally Malaysia.
Anyone reading has my permission to be jealous :-)

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Untold Secret

You should have been listened to, my friend in heaven
Your voice needed to be heard
If only you'd come to him in times of sobriety
He would have heeded your every word
You had a deep, dark secret locked inside
That never saw the light of day
You didn't have the courage to tell him
And now the chance has washed away
We shall never now know what you wanted to say
Though you began to many a'time
Each time you'd taken so many doses of Dutch
He could fathom neither reason nor rhyme

Come back when you are sober, he used to say
But the words would be lost the following day

An hour short of your untimely death
You phoned long distance to say
What had been on you mind and with first breath
He asked you again to delay

Now he asks the question daily, why didn't I lend him my ear
Whatever needed to be said back then has with him disappeared
God, if you love me, let his angel appear
To tell me now what I needed to hear
Let me finally touch my hand to his cheek and wipe away his tears

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Your smile

Your smile was never pure and true
Never there for simple pleasure
It only came when lashing out
This is what you treasure
I'll never comprehend how
A person can spend their life
Always on the look-out
For fights and other strife
Your happiness stems from weird things
You feel at your best when
Hurting those that surround you
Be it foe or be it friend
There was a brief moment in time
When I let you in and near
When I let you do onto me
When I gave you every tear
And so I regret for the rest of time
Those days that I was there
It lives forever in my soul
A greater pain to bear

No denying melancholy

Finding the balance between personal expections in the face of great hardship and cruel fate around the world is not the easiest thing to find peace with. Unbearably noisy are those, who cry about one particular bonus thus seemingly ungrateful for the rest. If they thought about it, they would see, they are amongst the fortunate. One particular friend feels it is their god-given right to win the lottery. If I were rich, she moans, all my problems would be solved. That says much about the other areas of her life. Where I am standing, I see a woman with a loving, supportive husband, 3 great kids, a nice home, a steady job, and everyone is healthy, has food in their bellies and suffers no great emotional hardship.
I'm feeling terribly guilty for moaning about perhaps having to cancel my planned trip to the tropics. In my defence, I booked it last July. I arranged a great gathering to take place with people flying in from all over the world. 60+ people are counting on the fact that I will be there. (Kitten, don't let on b4 I know for sure). The event would go ahead regardless, but the burden of not personally showing up would be heavy to wear.
In the great scheme of things, it is but a minor inconvenience.
What right have I to be saddened to such an extent by something so bountiful.
I guess, it all comes down to our situation in life. The benefits we had as children moulded the dreams we had for adulthood. Our blessings expanded our dreams. And since everyone deserves in childhood the bare neccesities and what should be god-given rights, apologuising for having had these amounts to ludicrousy.
With that established, melancholy for any lost dream is not to be denied.
Even if it is just the dream of a trip.

Murphy's law

Slipping the reign of control occurs only when I am positive the outcome will give me pleasure. At this moment in time, outside forces are holding my ticket. The ticket I am supposed to be using this Wednesday. The ticket that would take me on a 2 month journey across the world and back again. All of a sudden, there is 3 days left and life decides it hasn't played a trick on me in, oh, a matter of weeks. Bitter, much? Next year, I am moving to Easy Street in Funcity to live a life of uninterrupted advance in the province of Successville. It's a great area, I've seen it. In the mean time, the next 3 days should be interesting.

Friday, May 06, 2005

The compliment

I saw an advert for wrinkle cream called STOP on the television and instantly wanted to buy it. I think, I am more than a little scared of growing old...
In truth, I'm blessed with amazing luck in that sense. Phew!
At age 11, I had grown to my full potential both upwards and outwards, and the bus drivers would never believe that I was under 16, and so I had to start carrying photo-id to prove my age. At 11 that was great. At 12, I began clubbing. Looking older was full of benefits and lots of fun.
Something weird happened along the way and time must have stopped.
A few months back I went into a London newsagent to buy my father some cigarettes and was refused service.
Best compliment ever!!!!
But a little too weird to be mistaken at age (then) 29 for someone younger than 16.
Still, as long as the ageing process doesn't suddenly realize it's mistake and decide to accelerate to make up the difference, then I figure, it will not be so bad growing older.
If things stay as they seem to be, I won't look 30 until I'm 44. :-)
A stroke of luck if ever there was one.

Knowledge

Some people mentally rub their hands in glee, when discovering the person to whom they are speaking knows less about a particular subject than they.
A pebble in one hand would represent the knowledge we hold, the world in the other that which we lack. True ignorance is seen only in someone who has no desire to expand their knowledge.
Knowledge seems to be a little like passing the stranger on the street. Each stranger has a name. Only those seeking will notice the details and at other times one is preoccupied with different things, and they pass by without a glance or a thought. Or they simply do not captivate our interest, there is something more interesting in another direction.
As I enter into everyday situations with one particular man in my life, I see the way in which he often gets treated by the public at large. It infuriates me to the point that I become petty and seek to do onto them, what they do onto him...find the gaps and beat them at their own game. Aforementioned man is by no means unintelligent, there are just things he does not know about. The increase of knowledge has much to do with situation and environment. He didn't have much education, and so a legal document to cite an instance may as well be written in a different language, but ask him about any country, it's history, politics, problems and he will be able to give an extensive account. He doesn't get angry, "I'm used to it," he says, "people look at me in my blue collar get-up and make assumptions."
And so I take up the worthy cause, though wasted on the recipients, of telling them just how quick-witted he is. I seldom get rattled by people, whose opinion doesn't matter, but in this case, I flip my lid every time. I must make a worthy case on his behalf, or perhaps I am just fearsom and passionate, since each time we have left with profuse apology echoing in our ears.
It's been said a million times, but here goes anyway "Never judge a book by it's cover." Only the ignorant do.

Thanks

I'm having the best time reading other people's blogs. They are so very personal and different. It is like an insight into another person's world and having always looked at people and thought, there is so much more beyond the surface, I'm feeling very priveledged to be able to get a small insight into what other people are feeling, thinking and going through.
I'm been amazed at some of the talent bouncing around in here.
How wonderful is it, that some blogs have made me laugh to the point of tears, and others have brought tears for other reasons.
With admiration and thanks,
Autumn

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I never imagined

I never imagined, I would take their place
Those women that I knew
The ones to which I had presented my case
The ones that took my cue
I never imagined, I would be in that situation
Of not knowing which step to make
Which way to turn for much-needed help
For mine and my baby's sake
Mine was not like the stories I heard
I will not be compared
Of willing forgiveness full of haste
Of sanity impaired
I fought each day with all my might
Still it has a voice
Fore somewhere in that deep dark place
I must have made the choice
I taunt myself and rattle my cage
The rat-a-tat-tat of why
What possible reason could I have had
For letting the both of us cry
Logic battles emotion and steams ahead
I did the best I could
With what I had and who I was
I did that they should

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

You know, I'm bdd, I'm bdd, you know it

Out of all the hundreds of sensational headlines, interviews and articles I have ever happened to pick up pertaining to Michael Jackson, pop star, not once have I ever seen or heard a whispering of BDD. Isn't it obvious to anyone except me? It seems to me an absolute classic case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
Court cases of the rich and famous make big news, and once again, everyone is free to judge. I just hope, justice is served and the truth reflected in the verdict. I recall the boxer, Mike Tyson's trial playing out almost simultaneously with JFK's nephew, both charged with rape and forming the opinion that both verdicts were wrong. And OJ was probably guilty.
I'm not following the Jackson case in detail, as the details are too upsetting (true or not), but once again in my heart of hearts, I believe he is guilty. Perhaps because I am old enough (barely) to remember him as the sweet lead of the Motown band, I feel sorry for him too. He was left to wither, his mental disease registering but a ka-ching for plastic surgeons and magazine editors, and in the end, it turned him insane. The world has watched him dying a slow death, and that's the only place left for him to go.
There is no defence for the abuse of children, so if he is guilty, his own pain will never be enough.

If I may be so bold, I would like to offer advice to those without self-esteem

I've been "next blog"ging recently (sincerely hope you guys don't mind my turning my comments on your sites into a blog on mine), and it saddens me to see, how many secretly unhappy people are in the blogasphere. Their feelings are valid, simply because they are genuine, but I doubt any of them have reason to feel the way they do. A lack of self-esteem has to be one of the most debilitating mindsets. I've been there and done that, so feel I have some authority on the subject. In other words, I can understand some of where they are coming from and wish I could assure each of them, that there is a way out of the hole they are in.
It would without doubt be one of the hardest struggles they would ever undertake, but the rewards would be unsurpassable.
Loneliness is a state of mind, not a physical predicament. One could be surrounded by dozens upon dozens of loving friends and relatives and it would not make a blind bit of difference, if that person feels that nobody understands their thoughts and feelings.
Positive thinking is the wonder cure many of us are searching for. It is entirely possible to change one's perception of self through active choice, to (if I may be cliche) learn to love oneself. It is an absolute must, if one is to reach full potential in any aspect of life. It may take a while, it may take a long while, but the end result will be more than worthy of the journey.
Imagine being weighed down by a boulder, almost impossible to drag in it's entirety, every step and every breath one takes, all one can think about is this great weight. To finally realize, something needs to be done before there is nowhere left to go but out. There is nobody to help but oneself, in fact there may be people actually offering to secure the boulder each time it slips just a touch. Chipping away bit by tiny bit, blood and sweat and plenty of tears, feelings of having taken on an impossible task that may never be successful, until finally all one is left with is dust. The relief is unimaginable, and sure, a spec of dust may once in a while return on a breeze, but it's decidedly easier to flick off a spec, so long as it is not allowed to fester and stain.
Hating oneself often is accompanied by wanting to harm oneself. It need not be physically, but can also be emotionally. Not letting anyone get close, perhaps even actively pushing people away through acts of unkindness. For whatever reason, the pain can help. If one manages to alienate a would-be comrade, one's own feelings of being undeserving of affection are validated and the feeling of being right is welcomed with pleasure.
It doesn't matter how many people profess to love you, if one feels unworthy of being loved, it will seem like a lie. After all, how could they possibly when there is nothing lovable anywhere inside? Your eyes are cloaked and your vision impaired. It may sound rediculous, but the first step is to admit and accept that there are people out there worse than you. Everyday one comes into contact with people or hears about others who have said or done something that one would never do. Cherish this thought. I wouldn't do that to another, therefore I am a better person than they. Mentally pat yourself on the back for the good and admirable things that you do and have done. Fight the negative feelings with all your might, and never stop...it's an ongoing battle, but in time it will take up less and less of your day, until eventually it will only rear it's ugly head on the odd occasion.
It is possible.
Believe and trust.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Noble or Richie?

Little makes a person feel more superiour than sitting in judgement on the next. Most of us do not do this in our day to day existences, but it has become perfectly acceptable to do so with public figures. We judge and critisize and unashamedly insult politicians, royalty and celebrities, except I might add the select few. How these get chosen is a complete mystery to me, fore I do not see particular behaviour or admirable traits that set them above the rest. Money, success and wealth is perhaps the answer, leading to the conclusion that these are the standards with which people in this day and age are judged.
Any European who has caught more than one sensational headline will be able to explain what "Beckingham Palace" is. As Piers Morgan the editor of the British tabloid "The Sun" once said (loosely quoted) [with regard to the front page of any edition]: "It used to be, if in doubt, Princess Diana, but now it is, if in doubt, Posh [aka Victoria Beckham.] My verdict: washed up teeny bopper and wife of a football player. This is as great an example of the values of our society today as can be. A large percentage of UK women under 30 would want to be Victoria Beckham and an equally large percentage of UK men would want to be David Beckham. It is the glitz and the glamour, the riches and exhuberant lifestyles that has everyone in a frenzy of envy.
From the US even I have an awareness of the coupledom formula for success, where two stars combine their individual star status and with a mere blitz of papparazi thereby are bolted at the speed of light into superstardom. Brad and Jen, Ashton and Demi, Ben and J-lo, Tom and Nicole (bet most of you know exactly whom I am refering to, thus establishing my point...yes, I did hear the majority have hastily cosigned new agreements).
Question: What does it say about the values of today, when less people have heard of Christina Noble than they have of Nicole Richie? Less of Wangari Maathai than they have of Kelly Osbourne? Less of Bob Geldof than they have of Bart Simpson?
Tabloids of the world and MTV have too much governance.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Bewitched tart

Murder Intrigue Secrets and lies
Incestuous relations and criminal ties
Witches in corners casting a spell
Dooming the rest of us to a life of hell
Softness gets trampled pain that smarts
And all because of that stupid tart
It's all so long ago but still present
The glow of hatred is effervescent
Twisting knives hypocritical oaths
Feigned love when really they loathe
Parallels rule wherever I look
Life is stranger than the fictional book

On the rocks

I have just been forced to do something I swore, I wouldn't. I cannot even begin to describe, how this makes me feel. My throat is tight, my heart is in pain, my conscience weighs heavy and I feel sick to my stomach. It makes me feel completely disheartened that I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the emotional blackmail. If I felt another's pain any less, perhaps I could have held onto my integrity in this respect. I haven't done anything wrong in the traditional sense of the word, but a promise is a promise no matter the morality or reasoning of the procurer. I'm ridden with guilt, and I know, my deed will not go unpunished. Such is the way of the world. At least, such should it be.
I spend my life trying to do right by others, but what then, when these conflict. One cannot apease two opposing sides, thus invariably I get stuck in the middle. A rock and a hard place, the devil and the deep blue sea, trying desperately to figure the lesser of two evils. And the worst thing is, I made my decision consciously, deciding I could better stand to lose one over the other.
I do not consider myself a whinger, but it is at times like these that I think to myself, why? What possible reason could there be for some things to be this difficult. Truth is, I put myself in that position. I took on the task of trying to pull the stray pieces together, and to be the negotiator, as the opprotunity was open to me alone. Big mistake. It is tearing me apart. At this moment, all I want to do is be a stranger. A stranger with nobody relying on me (except my daughter). Nobody clawing at me, demanding of me. And nobody judging the decisions I then make pertaining thereto.
I am so angry with all involved, but mostly I am angry with me. They are so busy trying to get their own needs met, that mine seemingly deserve no recognition. But did I stand up for myself? Nope! I let them play my emotions like a violin and boy, did I dance to their tune.