Sunday, July 31, 2005

Waking up to CNN

Last night,
As I was wondering what show to watch on the telly
Children went to bed hungry without food in their bellies
As I sat there snug, pondering tomorrow's attire
Somehow, somewhere someone perished in a fire
As I sat sipping cocoa curled up in my chair
Innocent children lived with abuse hard to bear
As I painted the toenails of my pedicured feet
Gunshots rang out, people lay dead in the street
As I wondered whether to cut my long hair
Spouses were beaten to the point of utter despair
As I rigourously cleaned and flossed my teeth
A family lost a loved one and were consumed with grief
As I motioned perfect circles with age-defying cream
A life of peace became just a far-fetched dream
As I slipped on my favourite silk nightdress
Prostitutes were out there scouting for business
As I kissed my daughter, said sweet dreams, goodnight
Gangs of youths met up in a deathly fight
As I pulled back the sheets and blissfully slid in
The rapist luring found his unsuspecting victim
As I sighed and happily closed my eyes
Tears fell and no-one heard the lonely cries
As I laid me gently down to sleep
Disaster occured, victims reaped

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Can I come hide at your house????

WARNING!!!!!!!

Police are looking for someone

Gorgeous

Funny

Sexy

Intelligent

& Amazing in bed




You're safe!

But where the f*** am I going to hide?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

July 28th, 2005

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Yes, each day is the first day, but as I begin this day, I have no idea of what the outcome will be.

Yes, this is true of each day, but today in particular is a day, where outside forces have a great influence on my life.

Yes, they do everyday, but today is the day, when fate/luck could play a huge role.

Yes, it does this everyday, but today is the day, where my path forward in life will be established.

Yes, each day is such a day, but today is a day where important decisions will be made.

Yes, decisions are made each day, but today I will have no control over them.

Yes, we seldom have any real contol over the important decisions, but today will have a great impact on the decisions I face tomorrow and I just wish, I knew how it will all turn out.

Yes, I never will have this foresight, but today is a scary day, as it could really pave the path ahead.

Yes, the path ahead is paved anew each day, but today's outcome could result in a challenging tomorrow.

Yes, challenge is mostly a good thing, but I would have no idea how to tackle this particular one.

Yes, that is the point of challenge, but what if things become really hard.

Yes, I will probably figure it out along the way, but what if I give up.

You're right, I never would.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Quoting Jordan

It does good to remember how far we have come on the road to eradicating racial pigeonholes, especially when we each day are poignantly reminded just how far there is still left to go.

Michael Jordan made the comment (loosely quoted):

"Who would have ever thought, we would live in a world, where the most successful rap artist is white and the most successful golfer is black."

The power behind the quote is, the connection generates surprise.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Its all good

The quintessencial similarity between the deliciously intoxicating allure of a love-making liaison and the seductive simplicity of a purely sexual sojourn is, either one can on occasion be preferable to the other.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Com grano salis

When did realism turn to cynicism, offence to defence and simplicity to complexity? The answer: Somewhere along the line of recent evolution. People have discovered, or think they have, this is the only way to survive, the only real hope they have to be left standing as the weaker somebodies fall. The predicament (if they realize it) they then find themselves in is having crawled so far into their own worlds, they are left untouched by the existance of others. They judge themselves by monetary value and allow others to do the same. Success in life amounts to the size of their retirement fund.
At some point, too great a percentage of people became so afraid to look up from their book on the train, they make eye-contact with no-one on the way home. With a mind set on fear and mistrust, accepting kindness on its own terms will continue to be a most rare occurance.
Every favour is accepted with great reluctance, if at all. If it is, it is with the conclusion the other has something to gain or , worse still, expects something in return. Unexpected smiles are searched for maliciousness. Praise taken with reservation. Compliments covered with suspicion.
Granted, the world embodies too many people with two faces and since most are adept at hiding this surplus, knowing whom to accept at face value can be a rather tough skill to master. The alternative, however, is to join the ranks of this new breed of 'com grano salis' subscribers, who never judge anything by its cover and are always searching the pages for an imagined (in the large majority of cases) truth. Their time is spent with the labourous task of fortifying their preconvictions about others, thereby blinding themselves to the honest stimuli in life.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Looking for giggles

For anyone looking for a giggle, check this out http://www.glumbert.com/media/dancewhiteboy.html

Had me in absolute stitches, in part because I do the same thing all the time.

Same old, same old, again and again, blah blah blah, alright already!

Some times words can hurt more than any amount of physical pain. Especially when uttered by those held dearest. Often people do not realise what they say, they do not give it the weight that it should carry. The words emerge in the heat of the moment, complete the assignment to cause damage, and never enter their creator's consciousness again. They do, however, get written on the blackboard of recipient's mind, forever to stand as a constant reminder of that person's innermost thoughts.

I've felt your hands on my body, felt the cold edge of MORTAL fear
I've felt COMPLETE desolation, felt it over and over down the years
I've known what it was to love, known too, what it meant to HATE
Some things that happened are EVEN this minute too hard to contemplate
Physical PAIN subsides quickly, it is almost like it was never even there
The bruises on the inside, however, ARE significantly harder to bear
What's worst through it all, the thing I wish MOST I could deny
Is that EVEN after so much time, it has a power I cannot defy
I HATE that I seem unable to overcome, that I THINK of it each day
That its STILL a topic of conversation, a part of the I, I portray
I LOATHE how stupid that makes me feel, how WEAK to waste so vainly
Yesterday, today and tomorrow, no matter how MANY times I say
No more, you WORTHLESS, DESPICABLE, PUTRID excuse for a human being
NEVER again will I let YOU reach your hands over distance, through time
I've finished LETTING those fingers thread around my neck, and CHOKING
Every rational thought, rhyme or reason from my irrepressibly STUBBORN mind.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The defining line

It is said, that the past re-enters our life until it has been dealt with. If we do not deal with it in this life, it will haunt us during the next. The aquisition of closure on any given event would therefore be something we should strive to achieve. Easier said than done. Afterall, it is quite common to human nature to firmly shut the door on unpleasant memories. Firstly, events passed are not subject to change. What's done is done. Therefore what would be the point of rehashing old news. At times, it could even cause emotional trauma in the present to re-open emotional trauma of the past.
The defining line between what should be sought out and dealt with and what should be left alone is probably analyzing which still are having an effect on our lives and which aren't. The ones that are, are the ones that need attention.
Its not always easy knowing how to go about getting that elusive closure. Its said that "Living well is the best revenge", but what happens when one just cannot let go. Not all of us are equally able to deliver forgiveness for sins committed against us. Its especially difficult, when the person in question displays no remorse. We all make mistakes, but there are some things that one just doesn't do - I do not feel its wrong to withhold forgiveness under such circumstances.
Be that as it may, forgiveness has more to do with us than with them. It has a cleansing effect and thus establishes peace of mind. Peace of mind is not something one can achieve, when one has a bitter heart. I guess, we all individually must realize, what needs to be done, and to do it. No matter how long it takes.
The hurts of the past should not mould the future.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

There is no accounting for taste

Over extra frothy cappuccinos and banoffe pie, the conversation (between myself and my mother no less) turned to the overused but nevertheless very true proverb "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." And thank goodness for that, many might say. As we sat there, we began discussing known and unknown individuals that cause palpatations on sight. We each came up with a list of celebrities, whom would not necessitate a circling of our beds more than the obligatory virgin voyage...

  1. The delectable Mr. R. Williams. Come-to-bed eyes, green furthermore. And the Stoke accent whispering my name would undeniably give me a rush interwoven as it would be with a touch of reminiscence from the days when I was a london-gal.
  2. The infamous Oliver Reed, early days of course. Mr. Mischief for sure and brash & bold as a thunderstorm.
  3. The crusading Sir Bob. Who cares about looks, this is a man with a heart of gold and powers of pursuasion of almost mystical proportions. He couldn't help but be interesting on every level.
  4. The hilarious Billy Connorly. I'd be laughing all the way, if for nothing else, all that hair will be bound to tickle.
  5. The frowning, sighing Gary Dourdan. The eyes once again, stunning. Besides he doesn't smile enough, and I am sure I could make him.
  6. The gentlemanly Paul Gross aka The Mountie. Wham bam "thank you most kindly" ma'am. Impeccable manners would definitely find favour with me. Ladies first and such like.
  7. The toothy Willem Defoe. Well, I can't think of a reason, but there is something about him that draws the eye.
  8. The now ancient Jeff Richards aka Benjamin Pontipee. Fabulously gorgeous man and very adept at swinging an axe. A man just needs to be able to fix things, even if we are able ourselves.
  9. The very large Gerard Depadieu for managing to be so large and yet still adorable. Also, would love to hear myself introducing "my new man-friend, Gerard (in my best french accent)
  10. The very small Robert Downey Jr. for having midnight in his eyes and looking most sexy when perplexed
  11. All-american Dennis Quaid with the million dollar grin, you just have to love him
  12. Spot the Sex and the City fan, the gorgeous John Corbett and the almost equally gorgeous Jason Lewis

Now, I don't think that list is too bad, made as it were off the top of my head. Mum thought, they were terrible and insisted if these were the types of men I was looking for, she was glad I was still single. Now her list (with the clause "if I wasn't happily married to your father" ) on the other hand included Peter Falk, Michael from Extreme Homemakeover, Donny Osmond, Michael Landon (ok, he did have the warmest smile), Tom Selleck, Mr.Big and Ricky Martin. These specimens surely cannot be more preferable than mine(?)!. We agreed to disagree on who is hot and who is not, and decided to agree on the fact instead that when it comes to searching for a mate, it really is, thankfully, to each their own.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Cheating death

Maybe, just maybe, life is all about cheating death. Certainly, one hand is not enough to count the times things so easily could have gone the other way. It's not like, I intentionally put myself in dangerous situations. I definitely do not have a deathwish. Along with most of the world's population, it's right up there on my list of Things To Avoid.
"I'm going to kill you, you f***ing bitch!" To which my reply was "Then bloody well get on with it, you idiot!" That one was pretty close.
But the closest I realise now was one particular New Year's Eve, when I was but seconds away from passing out due to exposure.
We (my latest squeeze, his best friend and I) had accidently been locked out of the house and as time ticked away, I became more and more chilled. I'm no good with the cold even in the best of attire, but that particular evening I had not expected to spend more than a few minutes, 10 tops, outside. I kept quiet, at first feeling silly (for dressing solely to impress when temperatures were below zero) and later just not able to say. I became disorientated and could not fathom what was going on around me, neither what was being said. After a little while, squeeze took my arm to lead me back down the steps, and this is when all hell broke loose. They realised, what I had not the presence of mind to understand. I was much, much too cold and had to get warm very soon.
As they tried to get me to follow, their mouths moving in unison, all I could do was shake my head and sag against the door. In my mind, I knew, I could walk no further and this is what I thought they wanted me to do. To walk somewhere else, back to where we had come from, perhaps.
I was grabbed, flung fireman style over one shoulder and then put down against a parked car. I sunk gratifyingly onto my backside. Here I could stay, here I didn't have to move ever again. I leant my head back against the door of the car, looked up and I remember thinking, how beautiful the night was with the stars lighting the sky and snowflakes drifting down from the heavens. I closed my eyes, almost happy and began to drift off, until I was rudely awakened not more than seconds later and passed ragdoll-like through a basement window that had been broken, carried up the stairs, stripped, and covered by firstly squeeze and secondly a gigantic quilt.
We lay there for an hour (I was later told), him rubbing my arms, back and legs, until I finally began to display the semblance of normal togetherness once again.
I'd forgotten all about that event, until just now. Funny, that! Perhaps because I never let myself think of him.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Confessions

Raising a child on my own is no longer something I consider second-nature. I never really could relate to tales of women feeling depressed or ill-equipped during pregnancy and thereafter. I went through mine without a shred of support from anywhere that mattered, and I loved every minute of it in spite of this. Perhaps I was blessed in as much as I was spared from any of the gruelling, taxing syndromes and horror stories one reads and hears about, but then again, I think, I was just able to deal with whatever came my way, take it in my stride so to speak. Afterall, the actual birth and circumstances surrounding it were no piece of cake. But it all turned out ok. One day I wasn't a mother, and the next day I was. The transition was painless. It was natural. I welcomed it.
Besides it was easy. Feed, clothe, bathe, interact with and love them...really it doesn't take much more than that at a young age. Somewhere during the last year or so, I lost the plot. I no longer understand, what is going on and I'll be damned if I know what to do about it. OK, I get that she is testing her limits, but nothing I do seems to change anything. I'm not too proud to ask for help in circumstances such as these. Let them think, what they will. Unfortunately, the majority advise in favour of physical enlightenment...a good old-fashioned smack on the backside(their words, not mine). I see their children and I see that they would never be the type to answer back or to throw an over-the-top fit at something minute, but reaping the benefits would always feel evil to me. I don't agree with physical punishment, but certainly alteration is a must. I used to pride myself on doing it all all by my lonesome and moreover doing it successfully. Now I'm thinking, it would be nice just once in a while to have a little help and support. I didn't realize, it could get this tough, she's 7 years old for goodness sake. I'm still bigger than she is! And so I worry, take a deep breath and think, do your worst, sweetie, I'll still be here fighting for you as you fight against me. Confession: (Big sad sigh) I am not a perfect parent.

"Do you leave the lights on at bedtime?"

Stereotypes could never be described as good, but I find one particular becoming more and more befitting the older I get. The blubbering female. Be still my heart, it just cannot help but envelop each and every sad tale. I caught a glimpse of a couple reciting personalized wedding vows on television yesterday and tears actually began to build, until I realized what was about to happen and hastily pulled myself together. The odd tear when watching a painful documentary or the end scene of The Colour Purple is little more than could be helped by anyone able to feel empathy with a fellow human being, but to actually hulk and howl in time with the average 5 year old (having been refused yet another ride on the teacups at the fair and feeling very hard done by), when things are particularly sad...well, it's just particularly sad. And this at a time in my life, when I feel I've weathered and hardened and polished my armour sufficiently. It seems, I can take my own, but no-one elses.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

To all the shows I've loved before

Switching on daytime T.V. is like a trip down memory lane. It's full of shows, I have watched at one time or another in the last 30 years. There's so many of them, it's a wonder, I ever had time for anything else.
Remember these, anyone?
Dallas and Dynasty, Alf and The Nanny
A-team, Airwolf, Party of Five
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Hawaii 5-0
SOAP, The Muppets & Magnum P.I.
Happy Days, Chips, The Incredible Hulk
The Dukes of Hazard, I dream of Jeanie
Bewitched, The Munsters, The Cosby Show
A Different World, Little House on the Prairie
Family Ties, Cheers, Hart to Hart
Murder She Wrote, I love Lucy
The Waltons, Charlie's Angels, Different Strokes
The Wonder years, yeah, yeah, The Monkeys
Frazier, Colombo, North and South
Batman, M.A.S.H., Mork and Mindy
The Love Boat, Hunter, Danger Mouse
The Million Dollar Man and Quincy
Columbo, Dr. Who, Knot's Landing, Fame
Upstairs Downstairs, Miami Vice
Bionic Woman, Knightrider, Scooby Doo
The Untouchables.....THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

Admitting my shameful secret

I'm addicted to 3 things;
  1. Chocolate,
  2. Step aerobics (luckily these two cancel each other out, leaving me with...),
  3. Mills and Boon romance novels (Oh, the shame of it...I've never admitted this to anyone except the closest of friends and family).

I've been in love, the real thing, once in my life, and it certainly didn't turn out anything like what is seen between the covers of these romance novels. I was asked recently, if I was looking for love. My answer at the time was in the negative. But just lately, I feel a yearning for true coupledom. The last time, I felt like this, I had met my love within weeks. The only problem with that is, I am not where I want to be and I would definitely want my happily-ever-after this time...the other is much too hard.
What is needed now is a plan of action and a plan of avoidance, afterall it's all in the timing. Any potential Mr. Rights along the path will see me doing a 180...Mr. Right Nows continue to line up single file, please. Let's just hope my well-laid plans don't jump up and bite me in the butt.

Que Sera Sera

God only knows, what the future will bring, but wouldn't it be glorious once in a while to be privy. All this while sat in the tropics, I have deliberately banned any thoughts of the future from entering my mind. I've kept it all at bay and now as I return to normal day-to-day living, I realize once again how much depends on the outcome of the next 2 weeks and the thought has me in a swerve of panic. I can see only one path forward, but many boulders in my way. I'm worried that if things do not turn out as I expect, I will not be able to face the decisions of next day.

However, no good ever came from worrying about the things that cannot be changed, and so it is with this thought in mind, I am able to conquer the fears that kept me from sleep last night. Whatever will be, will be. Besides, I'm at my best in a crisis.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Holiday memories

Oh, joy. The holiday is definitely over. Since my return, I have had 2 bits of bad news, attended a party overflowing with idiots and been bedridden with a stomach bug. Good thing, I have so many wonderful memories accumulated during the last two months...

Once upon a time, I took the trip of a life time
To the overheated over-populated Singapore island
Then I travelled around the country of Malaysia
From Johor Bahru to the border of Thailand

I was drenched in the waterfalls of Kota Tinggi
Awed by the Twin towers of K.L. by night
I visited the sleeping, standing and sitting buddhas
And the Kranji Memorial Cemetary site

I took a boat ride down Singapore River
Visited the night markets of Kota Bahru
I danced the night away at the Waikiki club
And saw all the animals of the world's best zoo

I tasted heaven at a durian fair
Tasted fear on the cable cars to Genting
Bathed in the glistening South China Sea
And bought a cheeky wood carving

Central market was full of temptation
Orchard Road was packed with D&G
I made friends with the Bukit Timah Jewellers
And was interviewed on primetime TV

The museums were well worth visiting
The food stalls offered delectable treats
The people were gloriously friendly
The houselizards really very sweet

The time to go home came much too soon
And I really must hasten to say
Despite the fact I have been there 4 times
I'm going again someday

Friday, July 08, 2005

I'm back

Ever the optimist, I was a little too confident, when I thought I would be able to blog whilst away. The beach beckoned, the sights and sounds, the food, the people, the museums, the temples, the cities, the glorious landscape, the night markets, the durian stalls and all else that makes Malaysia and Singapore unique. It was a superb trip! But I thoroughly missed blogging and more so reading the blogs that I follow. Life here has gone on without me, and I now have a ton of reading to catch up on! Good thing, I'm free for most of this weekend.
Thanks for all the comments and bon voyage wishes.