Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Oh! My! Gosh!

In the month of February, 2006, I will have not one, not two, but ten whole, glorious days to do with whatever I please!
Maria has decided she wants to visit her grandparents in London during our holidays, and amazingly, they have agreed to have her for this duration.
"You can't come, Mum!"
......"Oh, okay then."

I'm beyond excited!
And I don't feel the least bit guilty (well, not much), because I know what I shall be like.
I'll be missing her like crazy as soon as she sets off.

10 days!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Summer Memories

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A dash of fear, a hint of twit

Some things need to be spelled out in the most obvious manner for me to be able to perceive them as real. Until then, uncertainty reigns as I flit from one platform of confusion to another, knowing for just a second and disregarding the next. What may seem blatantly obvious to the next person is not always so with me. Time and again, I've later learned I have managed to appear nonchalant, when I have felt anything but.
So intent on not seeing too much, I didn't see enough.
Its when I ache for reciprocation of the way I feel, I don't seem able to tell, if I am really seeing it.

Friday, November 25, 2005


"when you think you've reached the end of the line
walls that once blocked your way
come tumbling down
and you'll find the answers were there all the time
-Tasmin Archer

The questions one at times finds to be the hardest are often the same ones to which there is a most simple answer, and all that holds us back from seeing it is confusion. Often there seems to be a tendency to cloud basic truths with a myriad of conflicting ideas, inconsequential data that in the greater scheme matter not. In every truth, there will be an undeniable fact, one that when all else is stripped from it and it is laid bare, it is the only thing that really and truly matters. It can be excrutiatingly difficult for the person working their way through, it may even feel like the whole world has spun on its axis and nothing is or will ever be right again. Who am I? What am I? Where am I? What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Fundamental questions that when their answers become elusive can be the scariest.
The heart may feel constricted, as though someone has reached in and is sqeezing the very life out of it. One may feel each breath is a struggle, it may feel like blackness is imminent, like there is no return from the edge that one has unwittingly been pushed towards. Forsight, hindsight, clear sight all merge and everything becomes a blur.
From every place one has travelled to, there is a way back even though the path may be hidden now. All it means is, extra travelling time is needed. Each step may need clearing first. One may have to get down into the dirt in order to find a way. But whatever happens, one cannot stop though it may bring dejection, hopelessness even. Its always worth it in the end and it is this knowledge that can keep someone going, when all else seems to scream out how impossible it all is. Everything, regardless of what it is, has the power to be alright in the end, since the abilty to make it so, lies solely in our own hands and nothing anyone does or says can change that.

Its Snowing!!!

:-) Wanna come play?

Thursday, November 24, 2005


I have a dear friend going through an unimaginably difficult situation and in my attempt at support, I have been reminded how great our capacity for love is and that we would for love do, say and endure almost anything.

The word that comes to mind is: limitless.
The amount we can hold in our hearts, the amount we have to give. It knows no bounds, we can never run out, it is infinite and in its infinity, wonderous. There seems to be little or no restiction on how far we are willing to go in order to protect a loved one from harm or hurt. For others, we would instinctively go to lenghts we would never near for ourselves. And, just as we would do anything in order to protect, so too we have an amazing ability to withstand and to adapt to whatever may come to challenge it, almost.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Screwing up

I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she sees sense and yet all I can do now is stand and watch as she flits and floats from one huge mistake to the next, and hope she will realize sooner rather than later just what the far-reaching ramifications of her actions may be. No matter what happens from this point forward, she will not come out of this unscathed.
Sometimes I think, we are so concerned with being nice, we fail to do right.
Perhaps instead of assuring her whatever she does, I'll be here for her, if she needs me, what I really should be doing is raging and attempting to force her to see things the way I see them. The 'learn by doing' pedagogical philosophy versus why let her make silly mistakes when there is so much opportunity to learn by example rather than personal experience.
Afterall, there are numerous ways one can screw up, why insist on choosing the tried and tested methods. I almost feel like telling her to at least be interesting, try for the shock factor even, if needs be, but that these routes have become cliché, because everyone knows what the outcome will be.

Regardless of how nice, we each thought we were being, we have collectively made a mess through our own conflicts and the unfortunate fact now remains, she will have to pay for our mistakes through her own.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Just here

There are times in life, decisions a person must make, where they have no choice but to wait until it is right. That being when head and heart correspond. They might know with every part of reason and being which route must eventually be taken, yet still be held back indefinitely by emotion. Outsiders may advise, invited, uninvited, and their counsel discernable as sound, a confirmation even of that the individual is already aware. Still, nothing happens and it may confuse.
The smallest ability to invest oneself as far as imagination will allow into another's possible mindset will provide understanding, if nothing else, then that full recognition is something that must be achieved alone and cannot be coerced. Some judge quickly, merely because they do not witness their own logic and yet how can anyone know for certain, how they would react in the same circumstance.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


It confounds me how the biggest secrets very often are found within the closest of frameworks, between those who should ideally be closest to each other. Such secrets, the ones that have the potential to destroy not because of what they consist of but simply because they were withheld, are often kept for years. Sometimes forever.
There isn't much that shocks or even surprises me and I think, my family and friends know this about me, which may be why I often seem to be selected as a confidant. It isn't always easy, especially when they affect me directly, and yet I often have no choice but to keep them locked in my heart forever.
Very recently, secrets kept for over 40 years have been told to me. In small part, this information changes who I am and it has my instincts grabbling for attention, where I'd usually allow them to rule. There is so much I want to do with this knowledge, but somethings are just better left alone.
On the other hand, the person in question knows me well and I cannot help but feel perhaps there is an unspoken agenda behind my being told this now. I could ask of course, but I'd never get a straight answer - I know him well too.
There was a hint.
And yet, I could be reading too much into it.
Were I to pursue, to dig, I would once again be disrupting several someones' lives as they know them, once again perhaps coming to them with facts they never knew or imagined existed.
I'm not sure, it would be fair, especially after so long. Ignorance is bliss in some cases.
I guess, I have already decided to do nothing.
But its a strange and perplexing realization.

Friday, November 18, 2005


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Its official

Winter has come to Denmark.

Everything is white with frost and its bloody freezing!!!

A little early, but I can't help myself -
one tiny preview and then I'll wait until December... promise!

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walkin' in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song as we go along
Walkin' in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say, "are you married?"
We'll say, "no man",
"But you can do the job when you're in town!"

Later on we'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we made

Walkin' in a winter wonderland,
Walkin' in a winter wonderland,
Walkin' in a winter wonderland!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Only for you....

Isay, would I subject myself to the humiliation ;-)

That's not my face under there, but Frankenstein's ugly sister's, lol

Plus I'm seem to be missing my boobies,

and Maria's mouth, well, speaks for itself :-)


If I were to telephone a friend or a family member to tell them about the clouds and the moon, they would think me loopy - thank goodness for blogland.

I saw clouds of fire today. It was a truly majestic sight. I don't recall ever having seen clouds look like that before. The sun setting just behind made them glow so much, the edges appeared to be flames. Just as I was filled with this wonder, directly opposite the moon caught my attention, hanging low in the sky, full and large enough to seem nearby.
It was like night and day showing themselves at their best simultaneously for just a moment.
It was really quite wonderful.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Justin, my suggestion, as promised.

Whether you choose to use it or not is your perogative,
afterall it may not appeal to you.


Major tantrums going on here today (no, silly, not me).
Anyone want to take over, while I go sit on the end of that pier and soak up the peace and quiet?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sweet child

Sweet child,
I looked upon your face and I knew
Sometimes, I see everything there
In the faces of strangers and those known
The past, the present, the future
All merging
Into destiny

Sweet child,
I knew which way you would head
But still I held fervent hope
I'd laugh at my own craziness
And watch you make the most
Of every day
Of life

Sweet child,
You are so dear to me still
Regardless of all that has happened
Wherever you go, whatever you do
You can always come back
I'm here
For you

Sweet child,
Take heed as you make your way
Don't lose yourself as others do
Know your worth, know your soul
Don't let anyone hurt you.
Love you
Miss you



If you look real close, you'll see me smiling and waving at all you lovely people :-)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Grab the popcorn and the coke

I've been trying to write this post for a few days now for the simple and only reason that I hastily promised a follow-through on what was essentially a spur of the moment desire to share a wonderful, joyous feeling, however trying to explain in words just sounds silly, rediculous even. Still, never mind, eh?...let's roll it anyway

With my mind working as it does, I see an image of an equalizer, the kind one has on the front of a soundsystem, so I'll do by best to explain the somewhat inexplicable by way of this assistance:

I've been fine-tuning for absolutely ages, trying to figure how to get the best sound. Painstaking work that often took my focus away from other activities.
I've figured the balance, I do believe.
Realizing it doesn't necessarily have to be at all symmetrical in order to be balanced.
In fact, on this long row of digits, I've turned a few right down. I hadn't attempted that before, believing they simply had to feature, that they were necessary aspects.

Once I had turned that exceedingly stubborn first one right down, the others (the ones previously deemed necessary) were quite easily determined to be equally worthy of this status.

Others that had received little recognition were in turn tuned right up and that way I was able to coax the most lovely melodious sound, pleasing to the ear and thoroughly peace-inducing.

As with everything, it was easy once I knew how. The answers to persistant questions, the years of agonizing, analyzing, blame, regret, worry, hurt, basic crap which had been going on for a quarter of a century in some cases (what a bloody waste of time!), were in fact very simple and had to do with perception and choice.

Which I knew - I mean, I'm not totally stupid.
But decisive action was called for!
& perhaps timing was the necessary contributing factor.

(And not just an illusion behind swirls of induced smoke or screens).

More importantly, now I know how to tune, I'm able to find the best sound for the new songs too (though it may on occasion take a little while to adjust, 'Your Smile' is a perfect example and relates to the following statement). Proven by the feelings surrounding the post directly before this one, which have been going on for a while and now have balance. A sad song, but exquisite tones nonetheless.

And the absolute best part: My own volume is turned to the max. and everyone who wants to listen to my song is very much more than welcome to. I have an endless supply and no off-button, not anymore.
Its two different systems and each is working perfectly.

Makes me feel, as said, awed and blessed and very, very lucky.

Important announcement: That's the end of this show as it was. I'm playing a smaller, more befitting and much more enjoyable and rewarding role in the next one. Stick around, its full of big, bright stars and should hopefully be a lot more interesting.

Roll credits...

Friday, November 11, 2005

"If I said, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Ever so softly you came into my life
I hardly even noticed you at first
Now you're all I can think about
Like an all-consuming, unquenchable thirst
...somehow I'll need to figure a way
To dampen this spread of wildfire
To get over what never will be
To kill this mad desire


Find the balance and the answers become apparent.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A man

Look over there and tell me what you see?
I see a man.
What else?
A regular man.
A regular man?
Let me tell you what I see.

I see a hard veneer with a heart of liquid gold. I see someone who knows what is important, who loves his family above all else. Someone who knows what it means to be in trouble with the law, how it feels to have damaged another, but more importantly what it is like to have to live with the consequences, to live with regret. Someone, who has kept secrets, suffered great hardship, unimaginable pain, yet still he smiles and laughs as often as he can. I see, someone who demands in droves, but gives generously. I see a fiery temper, where the most atrocious things are uttered in moments of anger, but he means them not and almost everyone knows it. Those who do not, hurt his feelings. I see someone who knows things are as they are, and there is no point wishing they had been different. Unbelievably obstinate, downright stupid at times with flair for the rediculous, yet with the very special ability to speak to anyone and be awarded in turn with the eternal adoration of those who meet him. Myself included. I see a fountain of talent and a lifetime and more's worth of experience. In short, what I see is a limitless man, who has spent each day counting it as a precious gift, good or bad.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Midnight approaching

Its so dark outside right now!
All I can make out are vague shadows, and what should be mysterious,
perhaps even scary,
leaves me feeling cocooned and pleasantly alone. Its the reason,
although I'm sleepy, I don't care to waste these moments sleeping.
I like this quiet, the absolute stillness, where the only thing I hear is the wind.
Its the only time the smallest sounds seem loud.


Its the most annoying thing, when one is trying to think of a word and for some reason, it remains elusive.
Right until the moment you stop consciously thinking about it.
Which is when it will appear seemingly from nowhere, making itself known to you.
And yet it was already there, hovering all the while. Somewhere deep in the recesses, it could not forcefully be brought to the forefront.
It had to come of its own accord, when the time was right.
I'm awed and humbled - a divine state if ever there were one.
More later...

Monday, November 07, 2005

Love is...

The following question was posed to a group of 4 to 8 year olds:
"What does love mean?"
These were the answers...

1. When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca - age 8

2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy - age 4

3. Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Kari -age 5

4. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy - age 6

5. Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri -age 4

6. Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny - age 7

7. Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily - age 8

8. Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7

9. If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikki - age 6

10. Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.
Noelle - age 7

11. Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy - age 6

12. During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy - age 8

13. My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6

14. Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine -age 5

15. Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris - age 7

16. Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Mary Ann - age 4

17. When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7

18. You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8

And the winner...
A 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When he saw the man crying, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there.
When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Your smile

I didn't want to feel the way I do
And it doesn't exactly fill me with glee
I was doing just fine as I was
Perfectly comfortable with just being me
I'm trying to ignore it, pretend it isn't there
But your smile has become my smile
As idiotic as that may happen to sound
I've come too far off my safety isle

Saturday, November 05, 2005


Its very easy to pass judgement on the actions of our ancestors. Looking at any historical event that involved suffering, especially where the errors were plain for all to see even then, brings forth righteous statements of why the people at the time did not do more to change things.
If anything, there is more going on in this day and age. Large-scale problems that we all are very much aware of, problems that could be solved, if everyone stood to face them intent on finding the solution. Though aware just as they were, I rely almost completely on the ease of direct-debit to feel I am making an adequate contribution, to rid me of the guilt, by letting others make the stand on my behalf. And it actually works most of the time, which is the saddest part of the whole sorry mess.


"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us"

The quintessential aspect buried for so long, was not changed. I reached the other end of the spectrum, reasonably secure and I liked it there, but it got kind of lonely and so I began travelling back along the very same road, I once had journeyed. I did not have to come too far to understand, it was actually a small place and no borders had been crossed. I, had been there all along. I felt like sitting down and wishing, just as I had done in the initial stage. I merely arrived.
This time, I'm going to have to keep my eyes open. I've been asking around and once, I was so sure, I had succeeded. I found myself twisting, knowing that is never a good thing, but seemingly impossible to deny. In doing so, the rest gets lost. At best, confused. Either way, it has sunk.
Denial, enforced or unknowing, now there is a choice. One is harder than the other, one is better than the other and they are one and the same. Naturally.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Darling Cleo is just about the sweetest person, I know. In the late autumn of her years now, she maintains the wide-eyed innocence of a child. There is truth in that statement, yet it contradicts the life she has lead and makes her quite an extraordinary character more than worthy of a 'tribute' here.
Born into a life of great priveledge, she was treated like a princess from the moment she arrived in the world. Indulged, through no fault of her own, she grew to have unrealistic expectations of life and more importantly the people in it, that had small chance of being realized. She met it, decked out in sparkly riches with a natural beauty and grace that needed no such enhancement, rich hope and assurance life would be easy, all of which were stripped from her momentarily. Instead of patience, she encountered annoyance, instead of compassion and understanding, she found disrespect and cold shoulders . As she had grown used to being treated like a princess, so too she grew used to being treated like nothing. Through it all, her heart has remained full of love and wide-open, and though the light in her eyes occasionally falters, it always wins through in the end.
I adore her for the infallible strength, not many credit her with (seeing her as a victim) and for having the most infectious, spirited laughter. She enriches this world, I just wish, she knew it.

I have a dream.

I have a dream.
A dream that one day malicious gossipers will finally find something worthwhile on which to utilize their spare time.
A dream that they may realize, deliberately causing chaos and sitting back to gleefully watch events play out can be severely injurious to the receiving parties.
A dream that they will comprehend the meaning of common decency, respect and fellow feeling.
And a dream that if they do have something to say about someone, they may say it to that person's face instead of behind their back.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The answer to that age-old question...

"A smile is a curve that can set things straight."

Like seeing this picture as the first thing on this blog - should stay at the top at least a little longer :-)

Happy Thursday everyone!


I honestly want it back, since nothing matters there.
Nothing anyone says or does is able to make it through.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"To be a success...

never let down and never let up."

I am blessed

Here in the silence, I say a prayer
Though I've never seen you, somehow I know you're there
You're in the faces of the people that I meet
You're as solid as the earth beneath my feet
So if I should complain
That all I have is not enough
Forgive me, I've been given so much and

I am blessed
Every time I look into my baby's eyes
I think of all the friends who've touched my life
I realize
In a world where some have more and some have less
I have love, and I am blessed

So many changes this world can put you through
Sometimes it's hard to find a way
A heart can get confused
But then I hold you and it all falls into place
You've given me what time cannot erase
So when I'm feeling down or feeling sorry for myself
I look around and its easy to tell....

That I am blessed
Every time I look into my baby's eyes
I think of all the friends who've touched my life
I realize
In this world where some have more and some have less

I have love

And I am

- "I am blessed" by Eternal

Tuesday, November 01, 2005