Sunday, January 29, 2006

I imagine should we ever experience our lives running before our eyes in that ultimate face-to-face encounter with our mortality, it will be the moments that made us catch our breath.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Justin's Challenge Part II: The Theme Song

Justin's challenge Part I: The Cast
I look at that post now and its missing so many people, specifically Agnes, Isay, Terry and Tracey - may have to add to it at some point :-)

Part two: The theme song.

Sounds easy. And a 100-track soundtrack would have been relatively simple, this song for that part of my life, another song for another. A general theme song, however, is a much tougher challenge. Very tough! Its been driving me crazy in fact, so much so, this is the only post I have been able to think about all week, hence the lack. I must have gone through well over a thousand song lyrics. Most songs are about couples! That or a protest against something or someone. And the majority of what is left over are just plain silly.

I eventually found one that I like enough to post, mainly because it is completely open to interpretation - I derive my own meanings from it, without doubt almost entirely different from what others may read, not least given recent postings.
Do like a good mystery.

Besides which, this has gone on for long enough!
Take note: I flat-out refuse to accept any more tags (still have two to do) for at least a month.
Time out!
Its torture.

Hey, hey
I don't understand
What's the plan
Why I'm standing here today
All I've ever known is
A fear to be grown up
And take the blame
It was not too clear
'Cause this is new to me
Was it plain to see?

No time for insecurity
It's never coming back to me, oh no

Never seem to get it
When I know what I want
'Cause it's all a lie
Never knew a time when I thought it was right
To get it off my mind
I was oh so blind
I was wrong
'Cause it's all about my feelings
From now on

Hey, hey
I don't really care if
You share all the pain
That I left behind
It doesn't really matter
'Cause now I've got my peace of mind
Let me make it clear

No time for insecurity
It's never coming back to me, yeah hey

Never seem to get it
When I know what I want
'Cause it's all a lie
Never knew a time when I thought it was right
To get it off my mind
I was oh so blind
I was wrong
'Cause it's all about my feelings
From now on

Never seem to get it
When I know what I want
'Cause it's all a lie
Never knew a time when I thought it was right
To get it off my mind
I was oh so blind
I was wrong
'Cause it's all about my feelings
From now on

It's all about my feelings from now on (x9)

'From now on' - Will Young

Monday, January 23, 2006


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Confession #...err, sorry, I've lost count

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret! I am completely and utterly in love.
Yep, head over heels,
crazy in love!
Hence the mood swings.
Sometimes its hard.
But most of the time it is too beautiful for words.
Too beautiful for words, isn't that something?! I mean, for something to be 'too beautiful for words' defines it's very beauty to a league of it's own, doesn't it?!
Swirly, floaty, dreamy, happy.
I can cope with those little knocks once in a while, because the rest is just so awesome.
Too awesome for words.
And truth be told, the little knocks are pretty beautiful too. In hindsight.
Me & my love 'til death do us part.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Common ground

The differences among us could in theory be determined so subtle to be almost indistinguishable, a fraction more in one, a fraction less in another with the only real difference being reaction. Discernible in tense situations, clear in a crisis. One difference, a common ground, making it yet another similarity.
One key that covers a full explanation.
Often unknown to the person themselves, more often denied through a host of different methods designed to alter personal perception, to make everything alright, to make-believe satisfaction. A set of building blocks with which to construct excuses, in which to way-lay responsibility. Very much easier to see from the outside, yet it becomes unmentionable.
In some, their reactions become almost instantly predictable. In others, the key can take a long time to find. Not necessarily because it is more complex, it is likely just to be better hidden. Elusively, mysteriously, alluringly even, to those looking in. Sometimes it just takes one situation, often something small for everything to fall into place. It can be quite sad, when it happens. Disappointing. And the question becomes, how much does it change. Is what is left enough?
Often it just isn't and that's all there is to it.
One cannot help but admire for better or worse, the very few who can be truly honest about who they are and what they want. Such complex beings, yet we often seek to be described in a few concrete preferably positive terms. Generous, honest, kind to name a few. Rather peculiar behaviour, when one considers, the benefits of being thought of as intricate.
One key. Much easier to ascertain in others than in ourselves. Besides only the select few would willingly wish to find or for that matter turn their own key. Understandably. It would be like starting over again, an unrecognisable fresh slate.
If found, however, it could very well be the only way to defy limitation.
But would we choose to know given the option. And what would we do with the information, once bestowed upon us. Most would probably continue to deny it. How else could they pretend to be content.
The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.

But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable.

Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Your Fortune Is

Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.

Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Which way?

I believe anything is possible.
I see the smarts of finding a nook and making the best of it.
I can do it for a little while, but in the end, there is no denying essential nature.
I am always going to be an all-the-way type, always trying to get the best out of life.
I sometimes try to deny it, why? It isn't smart.
I see examples of others coverting that they do not have to the point of obsession and thereby casting their many blessings into dark shadow.
I realize in the end this philosophy will probably lead to as much if not more discontent.
I know, smart would be trying with firm back-up plans to fall back upon.
I believe back-up plans detract from persistance.
I will always be a seeker.
I would much rather regret what I did, rather than what I did not do.
I plan to have a whole heap of fun.
I will do and see and know everything I wish to or at very least die trying.
I eventually get past any hurdle, even the long drawn-out ones.
I am nothing if not persistant.
I am a dreamer.
I am a go-getter, when I am good and ready.
I intend to go all the way.
I will just make dam'ed sure, I always appreciate all I have in the now.

The beigies still frighten me, perhaps they always will.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Tagged by Pete (Link ---->)

A - Age you got your first Kiss: First spine-tingling one, age 15
B - Band/Singer listening to right now: At this moment, Kate Bush, always a firm favourite
C- Crush: Far too many to mention
D- Drink of Choice: Water for thirst/Coffee for pleasure/Red wine for occasions
E - Easiest person: Wouldn't be fair to tell
F - Favorite band at the moment: oh gosh, again, too, too many to mention
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Gummy bears
H – Holiday: Some place new
I - Instruments: Play a little piano (very little), go weak at the knees for anyone who can play the saxophone/piano
J - Juice: Water melon, orange
K-Kids: One of the kind, one of a kind
L - Longest car ride ever: 7 days touring parts of Europe
M - Major: At the moment, teaching
N - Nicknames: None that aren't too rude to put here
O - One wish: To have no regrets, none thus far (not really)
P - Phobia[s]: Heights, cats, rats
Q - Quote: 'Anything is possible'
R - Reason to smile: Learning something new, new experiences, and just generally
S - Song you sang last: Mr Bojangles
T - Time you woke up [today]: 5-something
U - Unknown fact about me: I've never been to a job interview and not been offered the position.
V - Vegetable you hate: Don't hate vegatables, they are too nice
W - Worst thing to have happened to you: The worst have always taught me the best lessons, so...'alls well that ends well'
X-rays you've had: Never broken anything, never been seriously ill, thank goodness. Scans while pregnant is the best I can do on that score.
Y - Yummy food: Seafood
Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces

Tagging everyone who reads this! :-)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I can hear it calling

Looking at you
I see what is
And what must be

Sunday, January 15, 2006


Alive, awake
Everything permeates
Everything is felt
I want everything
I want to do everything
And feel everything
I want to swim in it
Drown in it
Lose myself in it
Discover myself in it
I want to cry and shout and scream and roar
Laugh and love and lounge in it
I want to travel at speed
I want to savour the moment
And I want to do it all right now
And again and again in the days ahead
In the years ahead
But most of all
I want to do my very best
Not to waste a single, precious moment

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,
a girl asked a guy:

"Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after.
She went shopping,
drank martinis,
always had a clean house,
never had to cook
and farted whenever she wanted.


Friday, January 13, 2006

Breakthrough (Updated & finished)

I do believe I just found the trigger and the reason for it!

I cannot describe how I feel at this moment. Its like I am 2-3 pieces away (and knowing I can find them) from solving the puzzle, from seeing the whole picture. The puzzle analogy is f*ing brilliant, in fact - the pieces were there all along, in fact they are all over this blog too! Parallels and interconnection - I feel so dramatic, but it is, to me, and it was so worth the agony! I had to go back into the past that's where the answers were, but I had to look at the present in relation thereto to really find them. Parallels and interconnection!

I keep crying, can't stop, but I'm pretty sure its just relief. There was a moment yesterday, when I really didn't think, I would cope and that scared me more than anything else ever has, because if there was one thing I could always hold on to as a given, it was that I can handle anything. I pride myself on it. What I realized is, although I knew everybody needs help sometimes, that meant me too. For the first time, I asked for it. If for nothing else, I have to say now: bless the internet. That one minute where I stood in my house, by myself and started to feel the panic rise, I got online with Justin. I began to have a panic attack soon thereafter (the first of my life, hopefully the last too), trying to explain. In short, I told him everything, I trusted him and I asked for help. I went through what thoughts I was having at that moment with him and forced myself not to think about it for the rest of the day. I was really tired and went to bed (I'm actually an 8 hour a night person, but haven't been sleeping well for the past 3-4 months).
I talked about the triggers and he said somethings that I didn't think too clearly about at the time.
Certain words, certain questions.
I slept and when I woke this morning, I could build on his perspective, which was clearer than mine, since he is not directly involved, whereas I am in the middle of it all. I began to see the real picture, the reasons - in truth its all very simple, much less complicated that I would have believed and I can understand, which is what I never could, what I needed to in order to get past.
J, sweetheart, I know, I don't even have to say the words 'thank you', because you will know, what I am feeling after asking for help and finding even more strength (real strength is of the mind) thereby.
And I can pride myself on that again.
I've been thoroughly self-indulgent ('decadent') here, I've taken the time to go through everything, because I wanted to. Not because I had to, not really, I was just fine as I was. But I made the conscious decision to fight my 'demons' with a 99% belief I would fail and that 1% was pure faith in my ability to push myself right to the edge and let myself fall and still make it out on the other side. I fell for 9 days, every defence shot up (the bdd shot forward in reaction, its first real appearance in 8 years - sorry, Trée, to lay that one on you, caught me just as it was bubbling to the surface, wrong time, wrong place)(also hence the four pictures).
I see it now for what it is. Firstly, its strength and determination that made me go all the way. Secondly, if it makes me a better person, more at peace, then it was worth the 'self-indulgence'. And as I have said, many times to many people, many here in the blogsphere too, if emotions are genuine, then they are valid and should be dealt with, regardless of how unnecessary/unwarranted they may seem to the outsider, who is not feeling them and regardless of what 'more worthy problems' are going on in the outside world or with other people...much, much easier said than done though to 'disregard' those feelings of 'shame'.

I'm not kidding myself, I found the reason which is the key, but I still have to get rid of the need to defend/protect myself. And that may take a little while, after 25 years, it has also become a habit.

PS Stopped crying to concentrate on writing the above ;-)

& yes, I feel like I am sharing too much, but never mind. :-)
Also, just to clear that up, the reason I've felt so very happy recently, as expressed in several posts here, is because having come through all the other 'hurdles' I was getting closer to the main one, closer to the finishing line, unbelievably scary though it was. Little ways yet, perhaps even an obstacle or two, but I've rounded that last corner and I see the point up ahead.
I was right, its all going to be okay. - 12.13pm

Doubt knocks. I ain't opening!

In all honesty, I'm starting to wonder if I got a little ahead of myself. (No comments on that please, hopefully the feeling will go away).

The thing with looking at things logically, as I so like to do :-), can be somewhat of a downfall too. So, I can understand, but it does not automatically change reaction. I put this here, not because I want to, at all, but because it should help in changing the reaction.

Can't quite figure out if I am just erecting another wall.

Ok, the situation at 0900 hours:-). I am well aware, I am starting to sound like a nutcase, but more importantly, I am starting to feel like one too. So, I'm doing a U-turn.

09.37 [the following is me turning back again]
I feel the need to explain to relatively anonymous masses, since what I have to say cannot possibly be more 'embarassing' than having everyone think of me as a nutcase. :-)
I may start to sound weak/10 years old, but it is preferable.
What I have is a situation where logic works against what I feel deep inside.
Sounding weak and like a child from the heart, I succumb to feeling worthless in a particular circumstances [explanation follows].
Logically, I know its B.S.
Logically, I know I just have a deep-rooted fear of rejection and redicule.
From the heart, I cannot stop myself from having that fear or reacting to it, unless I close myself off from emotional attachments (any kind, friendship/family/relationships), i.e. this is what the wall is.
Tired of feeling no real emotional connection (and this does not mean, I did not socialize, have friendships etc), of not allowing myself to be loved, rejecting it and wanting to get to the root of the problem, I decided to work through it. I did need to be loved by someone once. M's dad and this was the only other time, when I felt myself reacting very strongly to the fear of rejection and redicule. Thing is, he never did, but (and anyone who has been reading for a while will know that story) he wasn''t worthy of me. Hence, I was able to build up my own feelings of being worthy. What I realized is, I never tested it. Sure, I felt great about myself, but I had still never allowed anyone to get close, i.e. for their opinion to matter to me. Its when the opinion matters to me, that I feel the fear. People may like/love/appreciate etc etc, but unless I allow myself to care, what they think, it doesn't matter, it doesn't count. So...I let myself open up to caring, hoping I would be able to work past those involuntary reactions. Friendships, family etc (in the real world!) and it came to count for the people here to, in the sense I began to care what people thought of what I wrote etc. (Must be difficult to understand, I do realize that, since I myself know it is illogical). When I start to care, I start to worry, it isn't good enough, I'm not good enough. As said, logically I know its B.S. and logically I know, I'm good enough and better than many (as a person, I mean). I show my faults (honesty before anything else) to prove to myself that I can handle possible critisism/dislike of what I am saying or have done and prove I haven't just been showing only good sides of my character (twisting) -- people will recognize all this, if regular readers, but know what I do here is mirrored in the real world -- its why I confessed my 'Dirty Laundry', the one thing I can truly detest myself for, its why I'm sharing these stupid thoughts now (it is stupid, to still be reacting albeit involuntarily to things I felt in the past).
In caring, and beginning to take people into my heart (mostly in the real world, though admittedly I do feel real friendships with some people here, J, for one), the reactions started coming hard and fast and I knew I would have to let myself deal with it at some point. I had confidence, I would, having got through the other stuff, finally getting over all the crap that happened with M's dad, and believe me he treated me alot worse than I ever admitted here (more screwed up than I am, just kidding, well, no, but I'm not comparing, he was really sick), I thought, I would be okay, not succumb to these illogical reactions to caring what people think of me. Its not logical, its not 'sane', which is why I worried about taking that tumble [by this I mean, tumble into facing the fear and thereby and more importantly the reactions that start to come through, the negative thoughts I start to have, despite knowing the truth]. I shouldn't have the need to feel worthy by what other people think, to let them be my judge, logically I know this, but I still feel the fear. So, I succumbed to the fear to come out the other side, where I could say: fine, so I care what that person thinks, but even if it should ever be negative, it doesn't matter.
lol, not even sure if the above just makes me sound more like a nutcase, but there it is, all layed out. And to repeat myself for the 107th time, I know, it is B.S., but it affects how I interact with people, keeping them at an emotional distance, not letting myself feel cared about, if that makes sense.
Anyway, feel better for confessing - has to mean I am still on the right path, to getting past the caring too much. Path is of course from not caring, through caring too much, to normal caring. Normal in how I react to caring what others think of me is basically the 'point', which probably sounds much less dramatic than thought by how I have been writing, but to me, it is all very dramatic. Panic attacks, for goodness sake! How rediculous is that! Of all the crap, I've been through (thinking mostly of M's dad), I had a panic attack over this. What I mean is, I guess, regardless of how stupid it all sounds, which it does and I know it is, the fears and the reactions (serious when I start to manifest it on the physical, i.e. the bdd) are very real and therefore valid. - 10.19

PS If I sound like a nut or there is anything else negative commenters want to say, please do. No mollycollying due to what I have said above. To be honest, this is what I need...honesty before kindness, truth, being able to say anything to people whose opinion matters and deal with the reaction, whatever it is, which will be so much less ( I know) than the imagined fear of what people are holding back, of what they really think.

PPS To be 'weak', to be 'needy', to give up control, power and still be okay - that's the best definiton I can give of what it is that I find myself reacting against, when I feel myself succumbing to all sorts of defence mechanisms. I'm always the strong one, the one to solve problems, the one to lean on, the one never to falter and that's what I am allowing myself to do, hence the panic, I'm trying to let myself do those things, if that is what I need, which everyone occasionally does. To be able to be cared about. The loss of control is making me feel like a nut and making me sound like a nut.
With luck the truth really is, as I believe it to be, I'm just reacting in a nutty way to things in the past and once I stop doing that, there won't be a nut in sight. -10.33

One last thougt, at least for now, an interesting one. Until I get past this silliness, I will not (personally, and that is what it is all about, everything, even the part about other people) feel like a worthwhile person, at least not 100%, that's plenty reason for never making the U-turn (back into the wall).

I have my own full set of vocab that I made up along the way. Flecks, falling, triggers, reasons, the point. I know what I mean :-).
To organize my thoughts, which is the purpose this place serves, great for me, because my mind runs a mile a minute sometimes and I, when dealing with an issue like the one above, end up confusing myself caught between emotion and logic. I can do both here, then compare and contrast, reconsider and it helps find the real truth.
If one imagines the ground as being okay, that is where I was walking. 'Okay' being not hurting, but with no chance of being at real peace or being able to pursue ever-lasting (and I know there is no such thing, but I also know exactly what I mean) happiness. I'd been in a hole and got myself out, which was some mean feat and I am indescribably proud of that. However, although I was out, that's all I was. Walking along the flat ground, taking no chances, taking no chances with my emotions (any area of life, work for example also). I stuck with what was comfortable, doing what I already knew I was great at, but never chancing the things I really wanted. Doing the things I was great at gave me confidence, I had no problems with my confidence. But I was not satisfied. I wanted more.
And I felt I deserved more, so what was stopping me.
What stops most people from most things?! Fear.
So, I had to figure out what I was afraid of.
And I did. By forcing myself to do the very things, I was afraid of, I found the triggers. And having found them, I began reacting, as I knew I would. I knew, it would be difficult, but I hadn't anticipated just how far I would fall back into the hole. I was reacting, but felt as long as I knew why, I would be okay. I felt the panic overwhelm me, when I felt myself nearing the bottom of that hole again, felt myself starting to believe the nonsense. I couldn't go back and I was heading that way.
I still haven't managed to completely get rid of the negativity (incl. the bdd), a small part of me still entertains those thoughts today, but I'm quenching them, I know why they are there and its not truth, its fear and a reaction to it.
So, at the moment I feel like I am getting back onto flat ground, but this time hopefully having confronted the triggers (as I have been doing for many months now, but really letting myself be overwhelmed with it these past almost 2 weeks) I will have really got rid of them, instead of just paralyzing them by staying with a comfort zone.
Example: I am at University for the 3rd time. The reasons, I realize are a) not feeling clever enough, b) I do well there, c) it was an excuse not to pursue my ambition (i.e. fearing I would fail) - this example brings forth a problem, since I have only just started (september) and I always finish what I start, but I am here for the wrong reasons and once I have a little time, I need to consider whether there is good reason to continue. Later.
So, here I am about to crawl out of the hole to a place where it is safe, i.e. where I won't be able to fall again. I see the point (which some time soon needs to be better clarified than above, its much more about me judging me) and the mountain behind it and it shouldn't be too long before I am able to take that first step up it. Once I start, really start with my pack full of the right supplies and not just a whole load of unimportant stuff to fill up the space, up is the only way to go and, boy, am I going to enjoy the view. - 11.24

There are a couple of possibilities, I still need to consider today, to make sure I am not kidding myself about certain things. (balance, importance, influence)

Its all so simple, it makes me want to laugh.
Why the fear of letting people's opinion matter: What if they confirmed what I secretly feared about myself, i.e. that I am not good enough. As long as I didn't give them the chance, I could go on 'kidding' myself that I was better than good enough.
A simple lack of self-worth (reasons for this development have been found and will counter-act) is all it really is, always was. What I thought I had cured 8 years ago, I simply had avoided by shutting myself off/closing myself/staying within various comfort zones.
What is the most strange about all this is, I didn't realize. I didn't realize that was what I was doing and I certainly didn't realize (feeling great about myself for so many years), I had such a simple, boring in fact, problem.
In my comfort zones, I was pretty perfect. But they were limited and that was the one thing, I did know and the one thing that sent me on the journey to figure it all out.
So, I guess, the only answer is to go after what I want in all areas of life, push myself to the limits and take the failures for what they are (a chance to try again) and not a confirmation of the fact, I'm not good enough. If I cannot control the success, if I do not succeed at whatever endeavour I am pursuing, it is not a generalization of my worth, I do not need to be so hard on myself, I do not need to judge myself so harshly, and as such, knowing I am good enough, really knowing it, I will not fear that others are secretly judging and worse still laughing at how rediculous it was for me to even try and be something/do something I shouldn't. - 13.13

One thing it will do me good to remember and a good ending for this post, which feels like it should come to an end now, is that from 8.5 years ago until circa 5 months ago, if someone were to say I was hot/smart/funny/whatever, I would in all honesty think they were abso*lutely right!
From one end of the spectrum, I had gone to the other. Not quite big-headed, but I had worked so hard to build myself up, to build up that wall, to make myself feel good, I piled on extra for good measure. I truly thought, I was as confident as could be.
What I did get on my own case about was lack of drive. I believe anything can be accomplished, if one wants it bad enough, yet there were things I wanted and things I wanted to do, but I never pushed for them.
At the same time, I also was very much aware, that if someone got too close, I would push them away.
And yet, deep down, I wanted what we all want. To feel loved. To feel that way, one has to allow it first and foremost, which I couldn't do from behind the wall. So I came out, so to speak.
But I guess, I'm well and truly out now, warts 'n' all which are fewer than I like to imagine.
And a new chapter is beginning.

"Whatever happened is in the past. Past.
Life is an empty book in front of you and
Its up to you and you alone what goes in it.
No one can write your story but you.
No one can make your choices but you.
And no one can make you do anything
you don’t want to do."

So, like I have said in comments to others so many times: Onwards and Upwards.
And I mean to be saying 'abso*lutely' before long, or at the very least 'absolutely'.
First step commencing.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Courtesy of Agnes (Link------>).

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
More compassion in the world

Wish for 6 more wishes.

1) For Maria to have an easy, happy life and to be thankful for it.
2) All those 'Miss World'-type answers
3) To find the perfect home...(pretty sure its somewhere near the ocean w. a library and gym)
4) To see the world
5) (will add)
6) (will add)

What animal would you be?

Something you want to do in your life:
Live each day well.

One song you could listen to over and over again:
Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues

Coke or Pepsi?
Coke, of course!

Something you currently desire:

One good deed you’ve done lately:
Ran (top speed:-) to return a forgotten purse

A funny moment in your life:
A fight between my elder brother and I, age 17 & 10 respectively.
Him: "Your mum is fat!"
Me, unable to think of a good comeback: "Yeah, well, your mum is German!"


Tagged by Tiffany (Link------>) to do the following:

Here are the rules:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or close to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

My 23rd post was a list of things, I would like to do in random order. The fifth sentence is:
3. Visit Graceland

Tagging those of you, who run slow enough to get caught. :-)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Okay, know its not right, but I'm starting from the top of the tags (5 of them, yikes) - this one is from Justin (Link----->).

1) Mural painter
2) Sales/Accounts/PR/PA
3) Tutor
4) Restaurant manager

1) The Colour Purple
2) The Big Chill/Peter's friends/Forest Gump
3) Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (have a thing for 'Benjamin Pontipee')
4) Anything that makes me laugh

1) London
2) Denmark
3) Singapore
4) That's it, I just moved backwards and forwards :-) London, Denmark, London, Denmark, London, Denmark, London, Singapore, London, Denmark, London, Denmark

Very seldom watch television, when I do
1) Home Improvement (Tim Allen)
2) Like documentaries, different kinds
3) CSI Las Vegas
4) ?

1) Norway
2) Italy
3) Bornholm
4) Germany

1) Favourite restaurant, Kaptan's, London for so-dubbed Noisy Chicken
2) Durian fruit
3) Tartelleter (Danish dish, pastry bowl with chicken & asparagus in creamy sauce)
4) Seafood

1) Anywhere new
2) Anywhere dramatically beautiful
3) Anywhere warm
4) Most importantly, anywhere near the ocean

1) Isay
2) Kyra
3) Linny
4) Pete

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Understanding why other people do what they do and say what they say can be much easier than understanding why we do what we do and say what we say. At the very least, easier to acknowledge. Sometimes.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Looking for the point

Needing nothing and nobody brought its own kind of happiness, a definite sense of contentment. For 7 years I was a self-propelling force, a force to be reckoned with, nothing and nobody could touch me.
I began to see wrong in that, to want to lay myself wide open emotionally, to be able to receive and to let it matter whether or not I did. I set myself a goal, spent time figuring the steps to reach it and happily set off.
A couple of hurdles presented themselves almost immediately, but I skidded around them and kept on going. Other hurdles appearing along the way were more easily crushed underfoot. The first, however, followed along and are now the final ones, the goal visible on the other side.
In order to deal with them once and for all, I am having to let them overwhelm me, to let the doubts rise to the surface for the first time in many, many years. A kind of make or break time.
I lost sight of the point a few days ago, figuring it would be better to settle for half-measures than risk sinking, but I can't allow myself to quit this far along the road. The last couple of days have had me spinning in a whirlpool, I've actually felt dizzy and nauseous at the thought, I might lose. All I know to be true doing battle with old illogical mindsets, each determined to win.
I'm rooting for truth and doing all I can to help, talking about it even, writing about it now, regardless of the fact the other team gains points for that too. Not as many, I hope.
The last few days have been very strange. I'm not protecting myself in any way in the hope, I will no longer need protection ever again, if I win through this invited onslaught.
Let it do its worst, whatever it costs and with luck, the point will once again clearly appear and still look more than worthy.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Dash

"I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning ... to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the second with tears.
But he said that what mattered most of all
Was the dash between the years.
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard,
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
(You could be at the "dash mid-range".)
If we could just slow down enough to consider
What's true and what's real.
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives
Like we'd never loved before.
Treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile.
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Domino effect

Like breathing and the intake of nourishment, new experiences and excitement are crucial factors. The last couple of months of 2005 were particularly lacking in this respect. Where Copenhagen seemed at a time before coming to be if not an opportunity to experience excitement incorporated, then certainly more than a little fun. My mistake was commiting myself to too many projects. Too much work and no play made for a somewhat dull couple of months in some respects.

Time to knock down that first domino bracket and have some fun watching them fall.
First things first is to get myself a little more free time, which in turn means relieving myself of some outside responsibilities, that honestly should not even be mine. Saying no has never been my forte, though many times I know, I really should have for varying reasons, some self-serving.
This relief will culminate in my evenings being much less clogged by a backlog of paperwork, staring at the computer screen.
Opportunity, after all, seldom comes knocking at the literal front door, at least not the appealing kind in my experience.
Less work to do in the evenings will mean more so-dubbed quality time with my daughter.
More quality time with her in turn means deliverance from feeling too guilty about taking time out more often.

First up, dancing to my heart's content at one of Copenhagen's latino clubs. A little tango, a little salsa.

Feels like absolutely ages since I've danced the night away.