Saturday, September 30, 2006

Would you

What would you say if I told you that there's almost nothing left
That every garment has been strewn and I am nude
In the shadows
What would you say, if I told you, I've been learning to take pride
To throw caution to the winds
That though I want so very desperately to stay where I am, I know I'll not allow it
What then
Would you still call me a coward

Friday, September 29, 2006

Eyes ahead

Parallel lives I lead -
Where empty promises conspire and
I'm always going somewhere
- Especially in my dreams

Supposing somethings change, somethings stay the same and there is rhyme and reason to it, that we are who we are and that is exactly who we are supposed to be, that negatives and positives work together to create an idea of perfection and everything happens for a reason precisely when and where it should. Supposing everything up and until the point one considers those things to be true has been a worthless struggle against what is and what will be, a kind of unwitting form of self-torture. Suppose then that perhaps it is not an outside force that governs the nature of these things, at least not directly, but rather every corner of every part of what lies inside, not what we would want it to be, but what it actually is.
Nice and simple.
It's not a hard thing to let go, to place ones trust where it should be. We are everyone we ever were, we are all we'll ever be. It's just a little scary sometimes. Suppose that's okay.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


Christa, I did go looking for ideas for when I come have my Hollywood-style portrait taken at your studio

First I found this:

But that might be a bit much to have on full display
(though in truth, I'm game :)

So, then I searched around a little more and found this:

which I love, love, love!
Not least the dress.

However, since they are all about the face,
the winner is:

There, you've been challenged :-D


When I talk to my daughter about her father, I tell her that part of me will always love him. I was saying these words long before I was willing to acknowledge there was truth to them.
I used to think that I must have loved only an idea I had of him, one that did not correspond to who he really was, and when that image shattered so too did any and all feeling, I held for him. Not so. All of me loves part of us.

I dreamed of him last night, as I do once in a blue moon, different dreams, same theme. In these dreams, I take the risk, the risk of letting myself fall back under the spell, of handing over the power to hurt, of losing myself anew but this time when I do, there's a chance I'll still be there. I would wake up angry and confused, full of unpleasant questions that I wasn't able to answer.
Why would I dream such a thing?!
The question made me feel sick, in more ways than one.

Then this morning that happy feeling lasted a little longer, long enough to blend into conscious thought, and I saw his face is the only face I have. It may not have been his entire face, but for the little while that there was only beauty, there love was in all its glory, real, mutual and growing.

That is why I dream of him. Not because I secretly desire reconciliation, but because I want to feel that way again. I want to be bled, so that I can replenish. More than I do now. I want to ride the wave of limitless as far as I can possibly go in all my relationships, not all save one.

I was afraid to do the falling. I know, I know, old and very tired news, believe me, I know!
But, even when I thought, I was no longer, it was still there all the while.

I'm going to relish those dreams from now on. They mean I secretly desire the fall.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Happy & Sleepy

While in London, we stumbled across something new. Or at least new to us.
A booth that rather than take photos, would create a sketch.
End result: Not half bad for a machine,
it captured Maria perfectly :-)
(Though I'm pretty sure, I usually look more alive!)

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Hugs back attcha

These exquisitely gorgeous and wonderfully fragrant blooms,
were a gift from
Terry and the Bear
sent with hugs from across the sea

Just wanted to say thank you again
for this sweetest gesture
full of warmth and friendship
and to tell you how much I treasure you both
and the time we spent together in London

The bright side

"Remind yourself often that you live and breathe the truth of who you are"

Although it feels like a case of 'here we go again' and that there are without doubt predictions to be made, not everything can be predetermined. This is not the past, it is the future and as such it is fluid, open to any number of influences that will morph its consistancy, alter the direction of its flow, and it being mine means that today will join every yesterday and tomorrow I will be changed.
I, too, am fluid. It is when I remember this that silence comes.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I'm baaaaaaack!

Hey all,
Just got back and will come say hey a little later.
For now, a very Happy Wednesday to all!