Thursday, November 30, 2006

More birthday celebrations :-)

My dear friend Terry,
Wishing you
A day of sweet moments to remember &
A year filled with all the things you treasure
Happy, Happy Birthday
Love always, xo

Friday, November 24, 2006

Birthday celebrations

Happy Birthday Tiffany!!!!!
Health, happiness and an abundance of good times is what I wish for you in the year ahead. That, and first-rate celebrations on the day. (25th)

Celebrations here today too as M turns nine. I do it each year, well, each day, wonder at how it came to be that she grew so big so fast. Another 2-3 of those and no doubt she'll be taller than I am.

3 days to go until things are back to normal connection-wise, can't wait!

Happy Friday and weekend.
More soon. :-)

Monday, November 20, 2006


It's the general consensus that people are less open with one another in big cities. I'd have to disagree. I've found the opposite to be (mostly) true and confirmed again upon my return here, that in London at least, people chat. They chat in shops, on the street, on public transport, everywhere. Everywhere except Internet cafes of course, we all keep our heads down here, too busy doing what we are doing to bother about who is sitting next to us. :-)

A happy week to all, x

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

12 and counting

Hey all, and a happy Wednesday to you.

Missing hanging out here regularly so very much and it's just not the same coming into these internet cafes, it's always so rushed and seldom do I make it the whole way around the 'sphere to see everyone.

Chista, you were right. Somehow, someway some sort of misunderstanding occured and I now have a new date, the 27th, which I am hoping will stick and not be put back again. Had I realized, there would be problems, I would have stayed in Denmark longer. ;)

I will catch up at some point, with posts that I have missed, even if it means no sleep from the 27th and through til December.

Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week. I'll be in as often as I can, miss you too much not to, hugs all around.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Happy Thursday :-)

There are so many wonderful messages on the two posts below that I am going to wait until I have proper opportunity to reply. Home internet was meant to be sorted by the time I got here, but we are still waiting on them. We have been promised this week, so that leaves tomorrow. Fingers crossed. And otherwise, I'll be back here at the cafe over the weekend.
For now, I'm going to do my very best to catch up with what's been going on with you.

Happy Thursday. Missing you, x

Friday, November 03, 2006

Here we go :-)

First leg, today

We are spending this weekend in the same place,
we spent last weekend, visiting relatives and friends.

And then
Tuesday/Wednesday we sail across the North Sea

Hoping the sea will be calm that day,
so that I can get out on deck and take some pictures to post here.

Not the only reason...
It's hard getting a good night's sleep, if one keeps falling out of bed.

(that and I tend to get seasick if all I see in the window is sky then water, sky then water:)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Rambling in lieu of time etc

As always, this place reflects the state of my life and mind, at least I think so. Chaotic, sporadic, internal, stifled and most importantly reaching, is what it has been recently. No, it doesn't reflect all of those, one would have to include my drafts box, which has been filling up at a much, much faster rate than 'current'. I don't know about any one else, but the more I have on my mind the less easy it becomes to finish any single one and let it go (or let it out).

I leave tomorrow and I have a ton of things to do today and hence I don't have the time to make this into a proper post, thus what this is (or will be, I think) is just random statements.

I got used to not talking those 3 months that I was in London, I kind of reverted back to how I used to be. I never did share very much of what I thought or felt before I started doing so here. At first to nobody, as in nobody read that I knew of. That didn't matter, what mattered was actually voicing. I learned to do that here, and it carried over into life, at least as much as I want to. It all depends on who is listening of course.

It took a while to get used to the decision that I had made to move to London. The actual decision was easy, I would not have been able to sleep at night otherwise. Guilt, there's something to think about, I feel too much of it and truthfully for no reason. No, actually responsibility is probably the word I need to use instead. I'd do anything for anyone, as long as it is within my capability (legal, morally right and all the rest of it of course), but sometimes when I am left alone at night, I can see that in doing so, I'm taking away from myself, taking myself further and further away from where I want to go, what I want to be and what I want to do. There's no time and opportunity dwindles along with time at a scary rate. Tick, tock, I hear that constantly.

I feel disappointed, I feel like a failure having just upped and quit here. I feel guilty for moving M again and I hope and fear it will not be the last time, for I do not wish to stay in London forever. Much as I love it there, it's just buildings and people and cars everywhere, noise. And it's all very well hearing the quiet, which I can, but sometimes it needs to be real too. I feel most alive, most here, most receptive, most open, when I can see the furthest. Perhaps it has to do with possibility, the possibility of moving, of knowing that one could walk (or sail) to that spot that one spies on the horizon and there would still be more to see.

So, it took a while to come around to the fact that I was moving again, moving back. It feels like back in a host of ways, -- just personally, as said, the reasons for going were never blurred or difficult to accept -- a while to think in terms of where that path might lead other than 'back'. More than any other time that I have moved, this feels like a verge, everything from here is freefalling, and I'm bound (for reasons that I would only feel comfortable talking about face to face) to hit a few visible rocks on the way down. That's fine by me, I'm not worried, I can handle those. I'll work out how, when, but I know, I can.

I'm not worried about what I know will come, nor am I worried about what is unknown. In fact, I cannot quite work out what I am worried about, but there is something, I do know that (permission granted to laugh, I am). I think it may just be fear of losing how I feel now - I've never felt happier than I do now (and have these past 1-2 years). It's a general happiness, just a good feeling that lives inside no matter what is going on. Like I finally have a place to occupy that is mine, I'm here, this is me, I matter.

I'm probably revealing more than I realize - I have no intention of reading this back before publishing. :-)

I've always lived my life by imagination, a statement easily misunderstood, I think. What I mean has more to do with intuition, if I can imagine a turn of events, the possible outcome, then it has the potential to be real, if I can't, it doesn't. How much sense that makes, I'm not sure, but it's how I know somethings, just simply know, for no reason other than that. Recent example would be my father's operation, though I feared I could be wrong, deep down I knew he would survive. Deep down I know too that this is temporary.

I have a post that has been sitting for the longest time in my mind and that I have begun to write. When it will be completed, I have no idea, but it is all about the links that bind us together, about how we are all bound to life, to this place, to each other, to time and how our relations to those around us shape us, our lives, and how much sense, rhyme and reason there is. In short, everything happens for a reason, everything makes sense, even if we are incapable of seeing it at times, or even most of the time.

This pull, I can see that it had to happen, it doesn't matter what I think, or feel, or thought or felt, or anything else for that matter, the direction is clearly visible. It's what comes after that, that I cannot see yet, I cannot see beyond the horizon, but that needs to be okay too, when can we ever before we move and it changes, reaches further.

There are certain things that I have a harder time dealing with than others. One is a lack of control, which in turn covers many aspects. And I'm not going to get into the question of how much control we really have and all the rest of it, because then I will not be able to leave tomorrow due to still being sat here writing this so-dubbed post. Thoughts when I think of security are multiple, at their most base, is a) a base, a place to call home that is safe and secure in every way. Money is another, I do not cope well with financial ups and downs, saw too many of them when I was a child and it effected me, as in I need to know that I can pay for tomorrow, pay for whatever may come, for whomever needs it. Sounds so base, I dislike talking about money, partly to do with how important it seems to everyone around me, it means nothing to me other than security, and if I have enough for tomorrow, anyone is welcome to the rest. My needs are basic and I tend not to splurge on myself.

What would I like to do tomorrow, I was asked that question recently, and my answer was to travel. It hit me recently, how much I desire to do that, and how seldom I do it for the reasons stated above and I need to take that and soon, cordon something off from day-to-day living and doing, to do that for myself. Though I have been on trips, lots of them, during the past many years, there was always a reason separate from just wanting to. And I do need to officially cordon, to officially make good on the promise that I make to myself and not let anything else get in the way of it, that happens much too often.

Security, to continue that, has to do also with voice, letting mine be equal, sitting down with everyone else around the table not just making sure everyone has what they need, but getting my share too. Nobody is going to serve me, I know that, unless I do it myself, at least not at this table.

In other words, and I really don't mean to sound all the things that I am probably sounding, I'm pretty much on my own, in every way, but where that used to, years ago, make me feel lonely and lost, it became a matter of pride, pride in the fact that I wasn't weak, that I could take care of myself and more than that, if need be. I make my own happy by choosing where to find it, fine-tuning that emotional equalizer.

In the end, nothing really matters, or rather few things do, and one thing is always certain, we are much stronger than we know, we are capable of much more than we imagine and there is never anything that we cannot get through somehow, someway.

When I look ahead, I cannot see very much at this point, I need to go a little farther first. I need to get to London, settle and then take another look, and once I've done that, writing for example will be much easier again, I imagine.

I miss writing posts, I just love that so much. If I do it right, it takes me to the place and lets me fly. That place, and this may be complete nonsense to anyone else, is where there is a direct flow, from the inside to the outside, without barriers of any kind, where thoughts are pure and singular, unchallenged by other inconsequential thoughts. An idea, a feeling, a thought and just running with it, that's what I like to do here, that's what occurs between the hello posts. That's what I like to do in life, between all the other stuff. I get there more and more often, not so much just recently, the four walls of the future, the four walls of my home and the four walls of me have been chaotic and I've felt out of touch too much of the time. That bothers me, now that I know how to get there, whenever I cannot for one reason or another, I feel like I am missing out, losing time, losing 'now'. And I just love being there, it feels like I'm floating, everything is easy even when it is hard, I can't describe it. The only thing I can compare it to is standing in the warmth of the sun, arms outstretched, reaching and embracing everything around, all sounds are peaceful, beautiful and feeling like everything outside is a part of me and I am a part of it, mutual and reflecting. At one, I guess, to use a cliche. In touch, touching everything, outside, within, as they should be, one and the same. Here, and here now.

Yep, really rambling now. :-)

Which shows that in the end, I do deal with me first. :-D
Find that funny, but how else could it start, the day, reality, our experience, our contribution. We are nothing else, but who we are, think and feel and receive. Giving is receiving too, much more so even.

One great thing about life is the more we carry, the more we are able to carry. To really receive, one has to really give. One thought has come to me again and again recently, we waste so much of what we have to give, by not giving it. We have a limitless capacity to love, and yet we hold it back. We may not mean to, but we do, for we could always do more. It is infinite. I feel that, intimately, at the forefront, that there is so much going to waste, that if I released more, I'd produce still more. That has to be the goal, to lavish, to ooze, to spill, in this case, paradox though it may be, anything not spilled is wasted.

The further we have to reach, the more effort it takes. That's not right, not sure I know how to explain it properly...using M as an example, she's close and I can bask in my love for her at all times, give it away rather than hoard it. Opportunity, I guess is the keyword, closeness in combination with it, willingness in the other to recieve, that's what I miss, feeling closer to more people.

Where before I had cut myself off from everyone, amazingly now, all I want to do is get closer and I feel every degree of separation. Where before I was erecting my own walls, now all I want to do is break through any that exist on my part or on theirs, and it's difficult, in a lot of cases, most cases, especially with people one has always known. Where there is history. Understandable really.

Just now that's all I know in London, people with whom I have history - I'll not meet anyone new until I get there, whereas here where I am now, most people that I know are new acquaintances, people I have met after I uncrossed the arms that were guarding my heart. Of course, I'm not being honest, I haven't done it completely, may not even be capable of it, may not even be the right thing to do, am not sure. I think, we need a little protection at least.
I wonder, as I have been doing for what seems like ages now, if I am capable of letting go of every single barrier, whether I will be able to trust in what I see, accept it at face value, and not let those questions of why enter into the equation. Those questions of 'are they seeing the real me'.

Honesty means an awful lot to me, it means everything, it's security and control all over again. I hate being lied to in any shape or form, but most of all, I hate not knowing that I am being lied to. I have someone in my life, who lies to me constantly, I can easily cope with that, because I can see it so clearly. I love them for who they are, strange as that may sound, and the lying doesn't make a difference. Serious lies they are too, things that cause pain, to me, to others, but the love I have for them remains unchallenged. There is honesty within the lie. I don't like not getting a clear picture, I guess, is what it all comes down to. Tell me what you will, do what you will, be cruel, be kind, just be honest, that way I remain secure, I won't be tricked or lose my balance.

I used to try to do my best, I needed to feel like I was wanted, that I mattered to others. I would work hard, twisting, but it felt like it was to no avail. In large part, I did in the hope that I may get. (This isn't the case any more, I don't twist, haven't for very, very many years.) I needed to touch and be touched, to love and be loved and not feeling that is what left me with certain hang-ups that I carried out into the world with me, and they were built upon there, culminating in a full wall once I took the chance of falling in love and it turned sour.
Rambles, rambles, rambles, but it's all to do with moving, with the unknown becoming so visual due to the physical circumstances. It all boils down to one thought, will I make the best of tomorrow, or will I allow barriers to get in the way, will I find that place and be able to stay there, will I be able to float, arms outstretched, will I be able to give myself 100% to the flow, will I be able to keep my arms uncrossed and that sense of inner peace and happiness that has been occupying more and more of me.

I feel so lucky, so grateful for all that I have right now, I feel happier than I have ever been, problems and what I do not have matter very little in the greater scheme of things, I could go on as I am now building upon it, moving upwards and onwards, and I would not regret my approach come what may. In short, and to finish this (have a million things to do still before tomorrow) - though now I recall wanting to mention what happened yesterday, a hug that should have been given and received and wasn't due to history - I hope I can hang on to this wonderful feeling and continue to eclipse the pains that caused the bricks to build, until there are none left and I will be wide-open at all times.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

They were right!

Fierce winds, icy cold, snow, it's officially Winter.