Friday, January 05, 2007
Space
Almost every morning as I walk past the park, I find it and I promise myself that all I need is time. As smiles persist, it is lost and I revel in the weary silence that comes thereafter. Revel, until the contrast becomes stark once more, stifling the otherwise fervent bubbles in my half-full glass of champagne.
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40 comments:
stop
make time
walk in the park
gald to see you're half full too ;)
Time is often an illusion, like so many other things in life. The only occasion when it's real is when you look at yourself in the mirror.
Hope you're doing good :hugs:
that anony comment was me, forgot to sign in...stupid me!
Hi Guess Who? I'm In, I'm In - WooHoo!!! At least for now anyway...once I got in you were my first stop :) I missed coming to your place and commenting, and geez its only been a few days. I think I had A.S. withdrawal- ha ha.
Love your post. Sweet and beautiful, just like the author.
Hope you had a great week and soon to be a wonderful weekend.
t/c
Meg
i hear you.
so weird, just before i came
downstairs to the computer
after having a
rather wakeful sleep
on the couch last night,
i sat here thinking,
i'm being asked to
do something for myself
that no one else can do for me,
i'm being asked
to create my own life
anew,
to start over,
to give myself
all the things
i keep wanting
someone else
to provide for me.
i'm being asked
to have faith
in myself
more than in anything
outside of me.
and to stop sitting
on the outskirts
of everyone else's lives.
they dont belong to me.
i belong to me.
yet, still i sit,
waiting to be rescued
from this mess
called life.
they say its not outside of us.
they say we have it all
right in here...
and that we know all we need to know.
except we're just waiting to discover it.
or we're just waiting to discover
ourselves.
xoxo
Ah, the poetress is back :-) Happy FRIDAY - love your thoughts as written so beautifully.
Wow Lisa, that is very profound. You've been doing some deep pondering. :-) You are right on.
parks are great, I could sit on a park bench for hours and just watch people.
Space, like time is something that we crave and desire but just never seem to have enough of or make the time for. At least you see your glass half full. Happy Friday Autumn
What I forgot to add is that sometime when we do get it, we don't know WHAT to do with it. A vicious cycle at times. ;o)
I make myself stop in that park. I walk along the bridge overlooking the pond and I feed the ducks. It's how I stay sane.
G and I are going on a road trip to LA (not quite close enough to Newport Beach to say hi to T though LOL) to visit my Dad in Malibu Canyon. 6 hours to drive tonight - yikes, leaving in a half hour~ It is a surprise visit - just to say hi and give him a hug. Just because I can. So I'll most likely not be around this weekend - Have a wonderful one. Hugs!
I love the comments on this post, and mostly for the fact that it took me a while to read it as it stands rather than as it was written. :-)
Jogging around blogland leading up to and on new years day, I saw most had taken the time to reflect upon the year that went. I wanted to do that too, to say something about all the wonderful things that happened in 2006, the days passed and now we have the 7th, but I still might.
I have a standard wish that I overuse when wishing someone a happy new year (or birthday), the wish that this year will be their best yet, and I can honestly say, mine was. Though I had my fair share of trials and tribulations, very, very many more than anyone here knows about, times when I thought that maybe I wouldn't be able to cope with the situation in hand, all I could see at the end, and what I most often saw throughout, was how wonderful it all was.
My new year's day was shitty to put it mildly. The best way to describe it would be as the straw before that infamous last straw that will break the camel's back. It's by chance more than anything that as I stare out across the park in the mornings, there is such clarity and wakefullness and a sense of presense, had I the time there and then, I would be able to describe with ease in that moment all that could be said. Said in that moment. But it never lasts, the day passes as it should, outside.
So, Petey,
the park never goes unappreciated by me, I promise you that :-)
Christa, I'm thoroughly intrigued by the thought of your second thought, going to let that one mull for a spell and regards time, instead of focusing on how quickly it goes and how there is never enough of it, I've been thinking about the phrase 'it was their time to go' and that whatever we feel about it, as mundane as it sounds, we have what we have and that's all there is to it.
Meg, :-), still more, you're going to turn me to a big ole marshmellow if you keep this up, it won't be pretty, I promise you, all soppy. So gooood to have you back with us, the fates could hardly have been so cruel as to put a blogger ban on you permanently. Missed your sweet presense these past days! Have a great weekend, see you monday first thing. :-)
Lisa, wonderful, as always! If I thought I could pull it off, I'd write you a page on we're just waiting to discover
ourselves. I might put it as falling into oneself, hmmm, may still have to. No favours owed to us in this world, Lisa, just plenty of opportunity all around, if we are open to it, that's what I believe anyway. Gotta make our own fairy tale. :-D Time waits for no one and all of that. I'm still stuck on we're just waiting to discover
ourselves. Forget the rest of my comment, :-), more on this when I've two eyes.
Thanks Terry, happy, happy Friday and weekend to you too! xo
Me too, Jodes, I tend to watch the sky and trees though. :-)
Couldn't agree more, Jillie, space can be a rare commodity, and like most things we want what we don't have and we don't 'get what we've got til it's gone'. ..?..What you said! :-)
Lindsey, the word that hooked me. :-) More than sane, you are one smart cookie! :-)
Sounds wonderfully spontaneous and exciting, Terry, have a safe and fabulous trip! Good times with Dad too. Love to both of you, see you Monday, xoxo
but falling into oneself
allows you to fall into
whatever that self
may be feeling
whenever it may be feeling it.
it means you can toss out
the bubbly,
you can toss out the
glass half full crap.
nothing HAS to be
any other way than it is,
and its more beneficial
in the long run that
you dive right into
the centre of your existence
and your feelings
than that you have to be
any kind of a Way.
that is society's damn fear
brainwashing us all over again.
there is no Way to be,
there just IS...
its the damn thoughts
and the shoulds
and the rationalizations
that keep you
away from you.
when you go to the park
Nature grounds you
it makes you honest
and real
it makes you able
to really feel you
to sit in your shit,
if you will pardon
my shit-ness,
it makes you able
to tap into who you really are.
and all of it
is okay,
the good
the bad
and the ugly,
none of it is wrong,
it just IS.
and then you gain
a more real perspective
of what happens
when you fight
your more natural instincts.
sometimes when my mind
is swirling about so much
that i think i shall implode,
i just go outside,
and walking and breathing in
the cool fresh air
or feeling the earth under my feet,
it thankfully allows
all those stupid thoughts
to exit my body
so i can feel more
of the real me
that is me...
or something like that...
xo
Lisa, I'll have to re-read (and re-write) my comment - see here's the thing, I agree, wholeheartedly, and what I meant to say was that I've been doing that, falling, shedding, taking off the protection and the distortions that I could find and anything else that shouldn't be there, like bad feelings where none should be, and that trip is damned scary, but how could it be any other way. If we don't regress, how do we rebuild.
And all of the above is why I didn't go into it now, it implies I think, I know anything. :-D
More later, on a walk to the park, xo
and mostly for the fact that it took me a while to read it as it stands rather than as it was written.
That was talking about the words of the post.
Lisa, I was tired last night and when I respond to your comments being tired, I tend to miss out half of what I wanted to say. I'm even more tired this morning to tell you the truth, but here goes anyway.
I think you did, hear me, focusing on the weary silence.
Such a massive responsibility, isn't it, and a scary thought, to know that we create our own lives. I like your suggestion, elsewhere, that things are progressing precisely as they should, it's such a nice thought, soothing, but it is contradictive to the above. Some of each within, perhaps, that would be my theory, since outside factors do matter, bumps that we make that alter the course we are travelling on, or at the very least that we must go around, but to a large extent, it is ours. We spend a lot of time waiting, not at a standstill, but we definitely have more patience and faith that we are perhaps entitled to. And then again, we almost always get what we need when we need it - even if we didn't know, we needed it. Somehow, someway, whatever it is, it will show up at the right time, and when it does, we feel relief.
Often over and above a sense of wonder. There are no promises only opportunity, I think the sooner we realize that, the happier we can be. I see people all the time who think life owes them a mountain of favours and when they sit back and wait for them to be fulfilled, that is the very last thing that they feel. We always have more questions when things are rough.
We have expectations, high hopes.
We have them, because we know what it means to have them met. And that is a blessing in or out of disguise.
Few of us, even when we know it this is the way to go, grab at life with both hands, it's that thought again, of there being time tomorrow. There are many more opportunities, I think, than any of us take, we just do it at different levels, or don't do it, as the case is.
Ever since you said words to the effect of knowing it from the beginning, it's been mulling. It made such perfect sense instantly, and the more I mull, the more it does. I love this stuff, could go on for days and days about that last part of your comment.
they say its not outside of us.
they say we have it all
right in here...
and that we know all we need to know.
except we're just waiting to discover it.
or we're just waiting to discover
ourselves.
I keep thinking, what do I know, in the sense that what do I know that I would want to be talking about, it's good for me, I like it, and that's all I need. Best year yet was down to that, what I think I know, or rather the assumptions that I made. There are just so many layers out there, I see it all the time, that and acting - it's amazing how many people act thinking people cannot see it as such, and perhaps much of the time this is the case. Much of the time, I doubt they even know it themselves. And it's a form of lying, however one looks at it, but it is excusable, to some extent at least. I'm just tired of it and I tend to gravitate towards the honesty, and more and more. And the more I do that, the more I think I see clearer those who aren't.
And I keep asking myself to what extent to I do it, and though I could be kidding myself, even kidding myself big time, I don't honestly think I am. Basically, I really don't care anymore, and that attitude has only brought me more of what is good.
Okay, let me publish this before I move on.
Absolutely agree with tossing out the crap, giving in to whatever it is that occupies, good, bad, ugly as you said, and it comes with the territory, automatically, thing is though, my half-full is not part of the crap, whatever is going on, my glass is half-full, it really is, and those champagne bubbles keep rising to the surface. It's a little flat sometimes, but most of the time, I feel jubilant, and I really have little reason to a lot of the time, if one were to write a list for example. But even that statement annoys the hell out of me, for what do I have to complain about compared to so many others. So there are a few things that need attention, but I can give the attention to them, I have that option, I have options, I have opportunities out there for the taking, and so I have no right to get down about anything. Whatever, for the most part, problems that I encounter, there are solutions to be found.
I keep thinking about the future, not in a clear way, just in a very general way, and that there are things that I would like if were to have a place there, things that if I didn't get to experience, I would truly believe would lessen somehow the potential that I had the moment my feet touched the earth so to speak. It would be a regret in the most general sense of the word, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, so to speak again, away with the cliched phrases! All it would mean is that I missed out on some stuff, but that wouldn't make me any different from anyone else. These would just be the ones that I know about, the dreams, there are certainly plenty more that I would never even think of.
I do fall off sometimes, not very often but it's horribly scary when I do, the thought that perhaps I will get to the end and not one of those dreams that I still have would have been made a reality, that I will get to the end, look back and know, though I lived a life, there were things I lucked out on. Easiest example I guess would be a complete love with one man ( I know what I mean), and then I start to wonder whether that half-full attitude is the one to have, maybe I should care more, at the forefront, instead of thinking the thought that wouldn't that be wonderful, wouldn't I have lived my life with the knowledge of what that means, to have a complete love with one man, which would surely be better than to not have. To have missed out on that experience, to have lived a life within it.
And i feel that way about all the experiences that I would like to have out of my life before it is over, that if they happen, if I manage to go get them, that'd be great, but if I don't, it'll all be alright anyway, I'd have still have lived a life, just not as well, used each day as well. And it's there everyday, isn't it though, we may, I do, take each moment for what it is, roll it around and savour it, but we could have looked elsewhere, we could have pushed.
So, and I really don't like to make the presumption just in case I am kidding myself, but I seriously believe I am getting pretty naked, about as naked as can be. What I want to say gets said, even what I don't want to say, I take the plunge continually and it's only brought me good things. I'm living now what I believe, what I am, and I know the truth of it for I see it all the time, the reflection of it and I see that the fears are irrational, and even when they do get proven, it doesn't matter, it's not worthy of my emotion. I've probably completely lost you, I go to the two extremes, either I think people will just get what I am saying or I overexplain, repeat, thinking they won't and all I do is end up confusing the issue.
Publish and tbc :-D
it just IS.
Agree, for better or worse, so long as it's honest, I'm a big fan. I've said it to people a million times, just be honest, and yet often enough I wouldn't do the same, I would sensor myself, formulate rather than just charge ahead. No reading back and no reeling back, new rules in life, I'm jumping without looking or worrying about whether or not I will land in the spot that I would want to had I a choice. That may be open to misinterpretation, what I mean is, basically, it just is, I just am, and if it's well received then fine, if not, that's fine too. I've no hopes pinned anywhere, I'll leave the pinning until after. What would be the point otherwise, or rather isn't that the point.
I put instinct aside in a big way just recently and it served me well, in as much as I know now, that is not the way to go ever again - It's not often I have done it, but it has happened a few times and it's quite obvious from the get-go that it is a mistake to do so. Lots of other voices around that just don't deserve to be listened to as closely, so yes, I agree, listen, really listen, and one will know.
As for the rest, it's a sweet song always playing. :-)
I read that back. LOL
And my oh my, there should be a lot of 'to some extent'
like here: 'I do, take each moment for what it is, roll it around and savour it.' I do my best, I should have said. And there are more, but never mind, eh. :-)
It's like travel opportunities, few things lift my soul like going somewhere new, day trips, longer trips, faraway trips, but I go on them a lot more seldom than I could. It's like Terry's trip this weekend, I ask myself, why am I here, why aren't I by the ocean, why aren't I exploring some new city, and it all boils down to that 'it doesn't really matte' attitude, something else comes up, someone else, I don't put it down in writing, I just keep dreaming about it, thinking if only I could. And there's the crunch, for I could, I could fly over to see you tomorrow, for example, if I booked the ticket and got on the plane, and I've done that, taken off at a moment's notice and I've loved it, felt truly alive, flying in every sense of the word, but I hang back most of the time with the thought someone else needs something more than I need this, or rather I don't need it, I just want it, and I can go without my wants. No problem.
Last one for I was supposed to have headed out way before now, but the more I think about what I have written, the more some parts sound like something someone else said to me recently and it's not the case. It took me 2 years to figure this stuff out, to be honest with myself, to fall, you all watched me fall, and this is why your words about regressing have such impact - best way I can explain it is to tell you that I had another blog called Falling into me, this was a year ago, so I knew it then, that fall that I kept going on about was the falling back into me and that it needed to be okay, free from all those crazy thoughts of not being good enough, which did occupy my mind. I wrote a post that never got published once, even made a diagram of 3 circles, one white and the largest, one grey inside of it and a little black on at the centre. It was the black one of which I was afraid, I had been there once, but not in the right way, and then I went back, to that essense, to face my fears so to speak, to open up completely and have no fear of what pain I might encounter along the way. This past year was the best, it really way, in oh so many ways, I got it, or I think that I get it, and whether there is truth in that doesn't really matter for it be truth to me, and whether anyone else will think me arrogant or that have the opinion that I don't, doesn't matter either. I feel like I have completeness, I have me backing me up, and I will settle quite happily for the hearts that I enter and they need not be the same as all that I take into mine.
And isn't it always the way, 2 minutes ago, came the last straw.
Two things, to be written about
1) contrast
2)limits and how we have differing opinions on where they should be, but that there should be one called simple decency that everyone should stay within - it's amazing how many people travel outside of it.
i am going to read this
really thoroughly
this evening
after the dust has settled here...
i want to really focus on this...
more in an email....
love you
xo
Autumn... Im not sure what your talking about but I said before that the best writing is universal and not about one thing.. like the best songs dont mean to me: something which happened to the writer or the singer... they mean something which happened to me or something which affects me or has affected me... or otherwise something which is personal to me.. Im talking about subjectivity I guess.
The things which are important to ME in this lovely piece of writing are firstly the image of the park in the morning.. frozen dew on the grass.. a busy road alongside it and bleary eyed people walking to work... then I think about time... how fast it's going... how fast im traveling, hurtling toward an unknown destination...
...then after that moment within myself, I'm thrown back into the momentum of life... once more on the escalator.. oonce more unaware of how fast the earth is turning.
Then im in a bar, ordering a beer.. as I hand over the £10 note, I notice how empty my wallet is... I think about my bank ballance... my course... my lonely flat... then the pint arives and my gaze drifts toward the TV.
They need to put a spell checker on the comment box... I cant type long installments without one!
Love you, Lisa, bear hugs, dozens, x
James, habit of mine, writing things that make little sense in the conventional sense. :-) I like what you were reminded of, we all do that, drift between full consciousness and being aware of our surroundings, to getting lost in thought and having them build upon one another, drifting, until suddenly something pulls us back from that state to this, to being aware completely of time and space right here, right now. Dewy grass, what a wonderful image. :-) Happy day to you, James, it's so nice getting to know you, x
love you too...
three even...
xoxo
and thank you for your email.
i should take my own advice
sometimes
and just make sure
my endless thoughts
stay the heck out of
my mind.
thanks sweet one
xoxo
Anytime Lisa, not sure what I said helped any, but I was listening, xoxo
Two days later I still don't know what to say to this post and the comments that follow. I do want to state for the record I'm here and I'm listening and I wish you all the joy and peace and love in the world and if there is anything I can ever do to help in that regard, well, just know I'm here.
Wishing I was there to hug you and tell you everything will be okay. The whole gang feels the same way.
Thank you, Sweet Pea, appreciate the ears that are ready, lovely ears they are too, and the hug, and the confirmation of what I already know - always nice to have a second opinion. :-) Love you, x
And while I have you, let me officially wish you a safe journey, a good trip generally, the advice to not work too hard and to leave lots of room for frolicking and fun, and not least to tell you, you shall be missed to the moon and back.
Someone told me time management is utter bulls**t. There's no ever way you can manage time. If you spend time doing A, you miss out on the same time doing B (don't get me started on multi-tasking ;)), just STOP, get into the park, and smell the grasses.
:D
Have a great day in the park.
:D
Regularly. :-)
Time waits for no-one, as they say, it will always be racing ahead like a greyhound on speed. LOL - where did that come from, time for bed methinks. Thank you kindly, Saff, good to see you as always! Hope you're year got off to the best possible start. :-)
Time is all I need too! But time is all I wanna forget too...I mean the past.
Lovely one Autumn!
Keshi.
Without the past as it was, we wouldn't be who we are, and I like who you are, don't forget that. :-)
good, i'm glad that you're seeing the things around you
i've opened my eyes recently and i'm looking at things around me a lot more than i used to
May peace find you tonight. :)
Good for you, Pete. :-)
Kyra, thanks, wish it for you always too.
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